Let Me Count The Ways
by Darth Mel
July, 2004
I love men. I love to look at them; I love to hang out with them; I love to talk to them. But most of all, I love to watch their incredible social freedoms.
Don't get me wrong, I love women, and I love being a woman. Women have several advantages that men just don't have. I love the ability to change my mind whenever I want. I love the fact that women are the most considerate creatures on Earth (for the most part). I love that I can wear dresses whenever I want, but no one will think I'm a cross-dresser for wearing my husband's clothes. I love that I have can spend twice as long in the shower and blame it on my hygienic needs. I love that I can go into the candle store or bath/body store and smell everything I see without people questioning my sexual preference. HOWEVER…
Women cannot get away with acting like men. For example, my brother can impersonate Jim Carry's Ace Ventura role with amazing accuracy. He can go rolling around in the grass yelling "Blue 42! Blue 42! Rover! Sit! Hut-hut!" and people don’t stare, they clap. One of my male friends who knows absolutely nothing about automobiles, can go car shopping with his girl friends, and they get good deals, simply because he's a guy. My father can punctuate sentences with his flatulence, and, instead of upraised eyebrows, this earns smiles. My son, Tristan, can be covered head-to-toe in dirt, and people will smile and call him a typical little boy, but if my daughter, Rhiannon looks like that, it's not very "lady-like."
The most masculine man I know (who, for the sake of not disappointing every man I know who thinks it’s him, shall remain nameless), can spend all morning fixing cars, all afternoon building a bookcase, and all evening shopping at the mall with me. Despite his maleness, he can patiently wait through my shopping and even give me advice as to the aesthetic qualities of potential purchases. Throughout it all, he can stop to scratch himself, belch, pass gas and talk freely about bodily functions wherever and whenever he wishes. What freedom!
From these men, I have learned to be less self-conscious of the people around me and be spontaneous. You still won't see me out in public lifting my arm, smelling my pit, and commenting, "I think it's time to change deodorants!" but you will see me rolling around in the grass, scratching myself and buying cars (and if you're lucky, you'll see me doing all three at once!).
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