Anyone who studies sustainability closely will be hesitant to have kids. Think things are unpredictable, unjust, and even a little scary now? Think, then, what twenty years later will be like, or forty. When our two-year-old, Ben, has kids (should he choose to) there will be 10 billion people on earth, more than two-thirds of whom are very hungry. The oil economy will be defunct, taking with it not only Wall Street but, more urgently, agriculture as we know it today. Globalization and its shiny golden carrot will be replaced by regional localization. It will become abundantly clear that the U.S. did not have the wellbeing of the people in mind when we introduced monocultures and sprawling urban centers to “developing” nations.
Choosing to create a life takes optimism. When I met my partner I had no such confidence in or hopefulness for the future. Rich wanted two; I wanted none. One was more than a compromise.
I love Ben till it hurts. Life sparkles even more because of him. Thinking of his future lets me see the world with renewed clarity and urgency.
I will not have another.
This essay is about our decision to have only one child. I come from a large family, two of my sisters have (relatively) large families, and the third may yet. I am a freak, again, in my decision to have a singleton.
Better Parenting Through Science
I was surprised to see that 20% of children under 18 are onlies, 30% in more urban areas. Single child families are the fastest growing type of family in America and have long been common in Western Europe.
So, what’s the problem?
The negative stereotypes about only children are at least a century old: singles are pampered, lonely, bossy, mature too quickly, and are generally unhappy. But the research doesn’t bear this out. Only children are not more likely to be spoiled, selfish, aggressive, or lonely. In fact they are similar to other children in generosity, popularity, leadership, and anxiety levels. They often have higher self-esteem, are more self-reliant, are more motivated to achieve, and may be verbally advanced compared to children with siblings. Onlies whose parents make sure they hang out with other kids (afford them socialization opportunities) have little problem adjusting to the classroom environment. As adults, onlies tend to complete more years of education and are more likely to enter prestigious professions.
Two negative possibilities to which only children are susceptible recur in the literature. First, onlies are more vulnerable to family discord, such as abuse and problems between parents, since they have no other children in the same situation with whom to identify and share. Far more frequently mentioned is the increased likelihood of parents of onlies to expect too much of their child. This evidently occurs because parents of onlies “spend” more time “on” this one child, “investing” the child with all of their hopes. The use of these economic metaphors to describe the relationship between parent and child tightens my stomach. Yet it appears to be the thinking behind the tendency for parents to push onlies harder than they would push siblings.
Advantages
Most of the benefits gained by onlies come from the parents’ ability to devote more “resources” to them than if they had to be split with others. In this harried age of time crunches, bank account hemorrhaging mortgages, and invasive technologies (e.g., television and Internet access in the kitchen) children see less of their parents and, when they are together, have less of their attention. The single child most likely gets the same amount of attention that siblings used to receive for the previous few generations. (Children now spend an average of 17 hours a week with their parents; that’s down 40% from an average of 30 hours in 1965.)
While onlies certainly benefit financially, they are not more likely to get whatever they ask for. The less distracted and stressed a parent is, the less likely they are to give in to nagging. Further, parents of onlies, especially stay-at-homes, may feel less need to spend money on a kid to make up for not spending enough time with her or him or to make “quality” time a special occasion.
Education is a given as a financial benefit of being an only child. From reading time, to help with homework, to an adequate college fund, onlies have a serious head start. I would put having the time and money to participate in community events and cultural experiences, e.g., volunteering and vacationing, at the top of the list also. But that’s from my perspective, not his. Perhaps the greatest financial boon for only children in the long run is that they will be more likely to have parents who are able to afford their own retirement and elder care.
The truth is onlies are really no different from kids with siblings. Parenting style and economic class are still the determining factors in any child’s prospects.
Other, More Bizarre, Criticisms
Besides those misguided but well meaning souls who believe a sibling is the best thing I can provide for my child, others have offered varying critiques of our one kid decision.
A co-worker asked my husband, “What if something happens to him?” Rich’s answer: “So, we should have another kid and name him Back-up?” My sister suggested “Spare.”
“What about all the babies you aren’t having?” This one is truly bizarre to me. Am I supposed to feel bad for denying life to every body I could possibly give birth to? Or only the next one or two? How about those I could have had in my twenties? Or in my teens?
Sure, I think about what a different combination of our genes would be like. Mostly I daydream about what it would be like to have an introvert, like myself, rather than the perpetual commentator that we have. But that baby, those babies, don’t exist. Or they exist only in potential, like the unwritten poems of my adolescence or the Ph.D. I never earned. But somehow the uncreated lives are less real, having never been attached to hope.
“What if only stupid people have babies, since the smart people know enough to spare their progeny the agonizing future or feel it is immoral to add to the earth’s burden? Where would that leave the human race?” First of all, yes, I’ve really heard this. Secondly, I doubt the intelligence of the population is actually being skewed to any significant degree. Thirdly, there is not room to discuss why this type of eugenic thinking is deplorable, but it is. Fourthly, it’s a bit much to expect our offspring to save the world—talk about high expectations. And finally, IQ is only about 50% heritable. The other 50% is environment. So we can, in theory, bring the kids who are already here up to the level of functioning they’re going to need.
“Population control is only an issue for third worlders who keep having a dozen kids each. They are the ones who need to stop having so many kids.” Yes, overpopulation is taking a severe toll on “developing” nations. Here’s the catch: one American kid consumes as much of the world’s resources as twenty of those third world kids. 1 of us = 20 of them. And, while their impact is mostly local, our method of consumption affects the entire world through, to give but one example, its grand scale pollution of the seas and sky. Most pressing to me though is the fact that the carrying capacity of the U.S. is more than maxed. That is to say, when we have to rely on our own bioregional agricultural resources, rather than the petroleum-based system we have now, we will not be able to feed our own population.
Decided
So, I have one kid. I don’t feel bad about being a breeder like I thought I might. And I will not have another, for his future and for my conscience.
Resources
Falbo, Toni. “Myths about Only Children.”
http://utopia.utexas.edu/articles/opa/only_children.html
Linn, Susan. Consuming Kids: The Hostile Takeover of Childhood. New York;
The New Press, 2004.
Newman, Susan. Mowing Down Only Child Myths.
http://www.familyresource.com/parenting/only-children/mowing-down-only-child-myths
Steyer, James P. The Other Parent: The Inside Story of the Media’s Effect on Our Children.
New York; Atria Books, 2002.
“U.S. Carrying Capacity Checkup: Warning: U.S. in Overshoot Mode!”
Carrying Capacity Network. http://www.carryingcapacity.org/checkup_datasheet.html
Amy Vaughn
Copyright © 2006 Amy Vaughn.
