A Long Time Ago, In A Place Far, Far Away...
By Rich Bruso
November, 2004
The year 1977 saw the release of a pivotal movie in film history. Action! Adventure! Romance! A large hairy creature! The story centered on a young man who gets swept up in a rebellion he didn’t want. It wasn’t that he liked the oppressive government, but he just wanted to stay out of the way on his family farm. Unfortunately, he lost everything to the oppressors, leaving him a homeless wanderer, his only companion a man dedicated to a religion widely believed to be outdated and nearly extinct.
Fortunately, in a bar, they meet up with a roguish character willing to supply transport, for a price, of course. In their journeys, they stumble across the remnants of a great battle, and manage to rescue a young woman from certain torture and death. Predictably, this woman becomes the object of affection, and plays the two lead male characters against each other, but everyone takes the time to mourn when the spiritual man dies.
Oh, and Slim Pickens had a bit part in the movie, too!
That movie, of course, is the immortal classic The Shadow of Chikara starring, amongst others, Joe Don Baker as “Wishbone” Cutter, a captain in the Confederate Army. After the South’s defeat, he and his half Irish Indian guide, Half Moon O’Reilly, decide to track down a hidden treasure of diamonds. With the help of a geologist named Teach, they head off for adventure in the hills of Arkansas.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, if a movie has been released under more than two names, the producers are trying to trick you into giving them money. This gem was released, in the United States alone, under no fewer than eight titles, including Demon Mountain, Shadow Mountain, Thunder Mountain, Diamond Mountain, and, for some reason, The Ballad of Virgil Cane.
I know, you were expecting a few droids, and perhaps a bad guy in a cape, but you’ll have to settle for invisible archers, mysterious eagles, absolutely laughable effects, and a total of fifteen minutes of gripping, suspenseful rope climbing scenes. And an awful scene, where the Chewbacca-like Baker tries to put the moves on an innocent young girl.
The girl, Drucilla, was the only survivor of a horrible massacre. Apparently in shock, she doesn’t react to anything until Wishbone, showing traditional Joe Don Baker values, dumps her in the river and yells at her. Very smooth with the ladies, as always.
Ted Neely, who probably should have known better, played the geologist. It was a bit of a step down from his last role, which was the title character in Jesus Christ Superstar. As the sensitive guy, his job is to comfort Drucilla and somehow convince her Wishbone isn’t all that bad, compared to, say, Attila the Hun, though he is marginally less slimy than Jabba the Hutt.
Anyway, Wishbone leads this ragtag, fugitive fleet on a lonely mission, a shining planet...no, wait, that’s Battlestar Galactica, isn’t it? What was the plot? I seem to recall it had something to do with a haunted mountain, riddled with caves and filled with diamonds. It was a holy site until a medicine man got in a fight with an eagle, and now the eagle kills anyone who trespasses on its land. At least, that was Half Moon’s story.
Several uneventful days of travel pass, as demonstrated by randomly mixing scenes of day, night, winter, fall, and, unfortunately, Joe Don Baker. This dull, dull, dull, dull, and, above all, dull sequence is finally broken when a very boring stretch of movie is inserted starring three Confederate deserters, one of whom hasn’t spoken since his encounter with a large eagle. At first, they think Wishbone is here to take them back, but eventually they plot to ambush the group instead. Fortunately, Teach thwarts the effort by using dynamite to trigger a landslide, killing two of the three bandits instantly, and leaving the third to fall prey to another mysterious invisible archer.
Eventually, Wishbone and company arrive at a cave and begin to search for the hidden cache of diamonds. An unfortunate rockslide kills off Half Moon and their horses, and leaves Drucilla stranded halfway down a cliff. Showing the mental prowess all of Baker’s characters seem to share, he decides to climb down to save the damsel, leaving Teach, who is about half the weight of Wishbone, to hold the rope. Unfortunately, the rope holds.
That night, Drucilla lures Teach out of the cave, where he contracts a fatal disease whose symptoms include having an arrow sticking out of their Adam’s apple, leaving the girl alone with Wishbone, which can’t be a good thing. He takes full advantage of the situation, kissing her in a manner reminiscent of a dog eating a cheeseburger. Fortunately, Wishbone also contracts a mysterious disease, likely caught from the large knife Drucilla shoves into his heart. At this point, in an attempt to wrap it all up, Drucilla hands a bow to a passing eagle, and lies down, preparing to ambush yet another group wandering in Chakira’s domain.
So this Thanksgiving, remember this tale of hardy frontiersmen and their Indian guide, and remember that getting the larger chunk of the Wishbone isn’t necessarily the luckiest thing.
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