Action! Adventure! Ninjas! Incoherence!
By Rich Bruso
May, 2004
The strangest thing happened to me today. My editor asked if I had watched a movie for this month's review, to which I replied, "No." But that got me thinking. I remember getting a movie to watch, and I even recall sitting down and hitting play. The next hour and a half, however, was blank in my mind. Now, I've watched movies that I've wanted to forget, but nothing like this had ever happened before. Could any movie have been that awful?
Intrigued, I decided to get to the bottom of this mystery. Obviously, I'd need to be hypnotized to bring out these repressed memories. There aren't any trained hypnotists at work, so instead I ask Steve to explain why the pitcher can't lick his fingers while standing on the pitcher's mound, though it's perfectly legal on the grass. Within moments, I was drifting away from consciousness, sinking lower into my repressed memories. There, I glimpsed images of Chinese gangsters, bad dubbing, prison camps, awful acting, and ninjas.
"Ninjas!!" I shouted as I regained consciousness, which drew several curious stares. Not a good way to wake up at work, I guess. Oh, well. The memories had resurfaced, but the images seemed disjoint, without any flow from one item to the next, which means I recalled the movie perfectly. Lucky me.
Though you may find this hard to believe, the title of this month's movie is Ninja: Phantom Heros U.S.A. Yes, I know there should be an 'e' in 'heros', but I have to stick with what's on the box. There are actually two different plots, and for good reason: The director hates us. Seriously, though, this is actually an awful Hong Kong gangster drama festooned with a thin smear of even worse ninja movie.
The first thing you'll notice when this movie starts is the on-screen menus of the VCR used in the reproduction of this movie. Uh-oh, the last movie with this problem was Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires, the movie that prompted my vow to never watch a movie not recognized by IMDB (www.imdb.com). A quick search later, and I had both good news and bad news. The good: IMDB recognized this movie. The bad: IMDB recognized this movie, so I couldn't get out of watching it.
The underlying movie centers on the power struggle between three powerful gangs, led by three friends who have cocktails together. Actually, it mostly focused on the space between the actors. Due to aspect ratio differences between a movie and a TV screen, most of the actors were completely off camera, which made dubbing much easier.
So, a member of one gang wants to marry the daughter of another, but her brother doesn't approve. Unbeknownst to all involved, there is a fourth organization secretly plotting to overthrow all three groups and take control of the lucrative arms trade between Hong Kong and the Middle East. Apparently, it's the Middle Eastern part of China, as the actor playing the Middle Easterner clearly wasn't of Arabic descent, but that's beside the point.
Apparently, the movie wouldn't sell in that form in the United States, so, thanks to the magic of 1980's era Hong Kong filmmakers, we are treated to a secret plot by the U.S. Government to disrupt the arms trade. We are led to believe the secretive fourth group is really a group of ninjas led by an American. Both movies make reference to "The War" and selling arms to the enemy. They never mention which war it was, but apparently it was the one between the U.S. and China centering on a continual trade of arms between both sides.
The ninja's old army buddy has just gotten out of prison, after serving time for selling weapons to the enemy. He is sent in to Hong Kong to disrupt the arms trade and take down the ninja gang. Immediately, in a city of millions, he runs into his old partner and chases him to the outskirts of the city. Here, they both engage in complicated hand maneuvers, culminating in little explosions of smoke. Out of the smoke stride their stunt doubles in full ninja garb: The bad guy in white, the good guy in camouflage.
After a few half-hearted attempts at ninja fighting drama, we abruptly cut back to the original movie. Unfortunately, to make room for the ninjas, massive sections of the original plot were removed, so I don't know what's happening. Several people get shot, some minor fist fights break out, and, in general, there is a completely ninja-free wad of movie that lasts about ten minutes.
Back and forth we go, between an increasingly incomprehensible crime drama and a laughably bad Ninja movie. Somewhere along the line, it's revealed that the fourth group's leader is none other than the first group's eldest son, who is NOT a ninja. We then cut to the ninja movie, during which we see a film of the wedding day massacre from the crime drama. Then, for no reason, we cut back to three wacky childhood friends of another gang member, followed by a Benny Hill-style chase following the kidnapping of the Middle Eastern dignitary.
Finally, with just about everyone dead in the crime drama, we focus solely on the ninja movie. Once more, camo-ninja battles the evil ninja, this time for supremacy of the movie, or something like that. At this point, things get downright silly. Throwing stars lead to deadly ninja throwing plates (good quality China, I'm sure), which naturally lead into the ancient, dreaded, ninja umbrella gun. I fondly remember discussing these revered weapons in my Ancient Oriental Weaponry class. The class didn't, however, discuss the exploding throwing cowbell, nor did it mention the combination pole axe/rocket launcher.
I believe it was Sun Tzu who said, "Show the enemy enough irrational images, and they will not have heart for battle." Or maybe that was Ed Wood. Either way, I surrender.
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