A Time To Cast Off Childish Things
By Rich Bruso
September 2005
What a strange thing. Last Thursday I turned 30. I mean, it's not strange that it happened, as time has been going by in a roughly forward direction for most of my life, but it's strange that I'm 30. That ridge where people stop asking you what you want to be and start expecting you to be something. A time for reflection, to evaluate your place in life compared to your childhood expectations.
Sure, I have a good job and a family, but perhaps it's time to grow up. You know, quit playing video games, diversify my stock portfolio, and start watching serious movies. Enough with these cheap, trashy movies. Goodbye Robo Vampire, hello Casablanca. Sure, it may be painful in the short term, but perhaps it's time...
And then my wife gives me my birthday present, containing, amongst other things, the movie Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. Should a grown man giggle? If ever there was a movie that was the antithesis of serious, this is it. Leatherface from the original Texas Chain Saw Massacre, the immortal Linnea Quigley, and Dukey Flyswatter as the bartender. Both Linnea and Dukey starred in Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, the only movie where I recommended heavy drinking before viewing.
So, how cheesily bad is this movie? Well, it's certainly no gouda. (pause for groans). Seriously though, it features an Egyptian Chainsaw Cult. Never before have I heard the phrase, "Chainsaw of the Gods." And I believe protecting the velvet Elvis painting with a sheet of plastic was the inspiration for that one scene in American Psycho, so this could be called an influential movie. Although they did totally steal the climactic chainsaw duel from Motel Hell, just without the pig head.
We also are treated to a grand total of two large Egyptian cat statues, moved between scenes to make the budget seem larger. Also, it turns out that just about every interior shot was filmed in the same office, the home of an "adult" production company that used this movie to go mainstream. No, you didn't read that line incorrectly.
Oh, and then there's the film noir-style continuous internal monologue, always a classy addition to a movie. And then there's the down-and-out private detective tracking down runaway girls, the gruff but ultimately friendly police chief, the chainsaw decapitations. You know, the usual.
As this was the special edition DVD version, we get to see trailers, promos, and even cast interviews. Unfortunately, we also get to spend entirely too long with Fred Olen Ray, the director of this and about 85 other movies, to include Mom, Can I Keep Her?, the touching story of one boy and a guy in a gorilla suit.
As a special offer, we can mail in the included cards and get free stuff, up to and including a rare animation cell from a cartoon I've never heard of. Unfortunately, once you select this option from the special features menu, any button you press on the remote replays the sequence. Select "main menu", press enter, hear about the cards. Select "main menu", press play, hear about the cards. Select "main menu", press left arrow, hear about the cards. Repeat as necessary.
Finally hit stop, then play, to hear about the cards. Press eject, then play, and hear about the... no, wait, that worked. Okay, here's the movie, right after an intro by... oh, no, Fred Olen Ray, telling us about these cards. Beat head on wall until the voices stop, then enjoy the movie.
So, aside from the card thing, the movie was surprisingly enjoyable, in a chainsaw wielding way. And I no longer feel any pressure to grow up. After all, Fred Olen Ray turns 51 this year, and he just got done directing Bikini a Go Go.
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