…And This Time, Make Sure She's Insulated
By Rich Bruso
February 2006
Well, it's nearly Valentine's Day, so it's time to dust off the shelf labeled "Romance" and pick a movie. Hmm, the pickings are a bit slim. Dead Alive? Romantic, sure, but perhaps a bit too heavy on the gory lawnmower action. And we've already seen Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, so that's out. So, it looks like we're down to…oh, no. Not that one. I can't be that desperate, can I? But then I would have to watch it again, wouldn’t I? That which doesn't kill us, etc. After all, didn't I sit through Robo Vampire once?
The year: 2017. A post-apocalyptic (as if there were any other kind) future where, for some reason, dating involves lawyers, demo reels and legal contracts. In such a lonely world, where can the romantic man turn for companionship, for love, for a real sense of connection with another soul? When it comes to affairs of the heart, a lawyer can't really help. One merely needs to look deep inside oneself for the answer to that elusive question: What was my bank PIN? Because love robots sure don't come cheap.
That's right; the movie treat this time around is Cherry 2000, the story of one man's struggle to locate spare parts. It turns out the 2000 Cherry model wasn't fully waterproofed, and after an unfortunate "incident" involving the kitchen floor, an over-aggressive dishwasher, and some faulty wiring, our hero Sam is left with a burned-out shell of a robot, whose acting skills were only slightly degraded by the incident.
So, Mr. Sam has a spare parts conundrum. You see, his Cherry is a 2000 model, so it's been out of production for seventeen years, which happens to be the same age as my car. I can tell you, parts start getting quite rare and expensive when something goes out on a low production item like my Taurus SHO or Sam's love robot. The difference is I'd never try to engage in any lewd acts with my car on a wet kitchen floor; the carport is much better suited for such forays, and the drainage is way better.
Even the local mechanics can't manage to bring the Cherry back to life. All he can manage to salvage is her personality chip; a dime-sized disk which I figure is about 40 times bigger than it needs to be. All he can recommend is either a newer, cheaper model (Grapefruit 2011? Yam 2006 perhaps?) or a long shot: A secret cache of love robot parts hidden in the desert outside old Vegas City. Mmm, Vegas love-bots.
One may ask, "What role does Melanie Griffith play in this affair?" Well, obviously, she's the highly skilled tracker that will take Sam into deadly Sector 7, located about 20 miles past the end of the "rule of law." Fortunately, according to the street signs, the "rule of law" ends about a mile past the establishment known as the "Glory Hole." Why does it need to be marked by a sign? The "rule of law" thing, that is. What are the bad guys going to do, sit around right past the barrier and ambush people as they pass?
Actually, yes, though it's all part of Melanie's plan. You see, she's done this a hundred times before. I guess love-bot parts are a hot commodity. So, here's the plan: blow through the barrier, drive all night, sleep in the car at a strip mine, drive to the Hoover dam, get picked up by a giant magnet on a crane, get dropped into a drainage chute, and slide down to meet Uncle Jake. I'm not sure how you go about getting a '65 Mustang back out of the drainage chute, but sure enough, Uncle Jake is waiting at the bottom with a boat, two donkeys, six fingers (don't ask) and several dozen toaster ovens, which are perfect for toasting rattlesnake.
At this point, I started wondering exactly what it was a tracker tracked. So far, all that she's done is drive, pout, and whine a bit, along with occasionally using a rocket launcher and a few shotguns. Maybe I'm expecting a bit too much from the movie.
And then, the unexpected: Tim Thomerson and Robert Z'Dar, who you may remember from Dollman and Soultaker, respectively. What do you mean, you don't remember those movies? Go ahead, rent them both. Okay, maybe not Soultaker, but Dollman is worth a watch, preferably after happy hour with some friends.
Anyway, back to Cherry 2000. After rescuing Sam from Mr. Thomerson's gang (the only movie rescue involving both bees and exploding cars), our heroes end up at the Last Chance brothel, run by Uncle Jake's good buddy, who somehow manages to double-cross Jake while whipping up a good batch of Mac and Cheese. Mmm, yummy. Fortunately, before Thomerson's buddies catch up, Melanie manages to fix up an abandoned plane, which they fly all the way to Vegas City.
Now, I don't want to ruin the ending for you, but Sam ends up having to choose between his beloved Cherry 2000 and Melanie Griffith. So, will it be the girl or the toaster? Isn't the suspense killing you?
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