The Englishman Who Went Through A Hill...
By Rich Bruso
May, 2005
In 1995’s The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill But Came Down A Mountain, Hugh Grant plays an intrepid English cartographer sent to map out the terrain in Wales, a small, vowel-deprived section of the British Isles. So, how vowel deprived are they? Well, there is an actual Welsh instrument called a crwth. Look it up if you don't believe me.
Anyway, Mr. Grant's character falls into a bit of trouble when he declares a local mountain to be only hill sized. Much romantic-comedy hilarity ensues. Of course, none of this matters, as this month I am reviewing the 1976 movie, At the Earth's Core.
Okay, so it does start in Wales, and it does involve a mountain, or hill, or acclivity, or knoll, or prominence, or whatever you choose to call it. And, in this case, the Englishman is played by the infamous Peter Cushing, probably best known for his portrayal of Osric in the 1948 version of Hamlet. Oh, and he was in one of the Star Wars movies, and one or two dozen Hammer Dracula films
The movie also features the beefy-faced Doug McClure, playing a stupid scientist. No, really. At one point, Cushing's character mentions that McClure took "longer to get through the geology program than any man before him." Quite glowing praise. About the only thing going for him is the fact that he's strong and has gobs of money. Enough to finance the Mole, an advanced earth, and audience, boring machine.
Yes, the story centers on a machine that bores into the core of the Earth, only to find prehistoric animals, plants, and a surprisingly ethnically diverse cast of English speaking cave people slaves serving their pterodactyl overlords. But in this movie's defense, it IS based on the 1922 Edgar Rice Burroughs novel of the same name.
So, the Mole's first big test is to try to reach the other side of a Welsh uprising of some sort. Unfortunately, they get the angle ever so slightly wrong, and end up plunging into the molten outer core, then the frozen inner core of the Earth. Please direct any scientific questions or arguments to Mr. Burroughs.
As expected, our intrepid explorers stumble upon a large cavern. Prehistoric plants, well groomed cavemen, pig-headed minions, and guys in rubber suits abound. And what's that over there? Could it be?? Yes, it's a telepathic pterodactyl, using its mind control rays to get girls. Oh, how I wish I was making this up.
So, following movie plot line number 2, McClure is instantly captured and falls in love with a beautiful slave who happens to be a princess. Fortunately, everyone but the pig-heads and pterodactyls speak English, so the next guy in the chain gang fills us in on highlights of their culture, civilization, dating rituals, and current subjugation to the dinosaur-like overlords. He also throws in a wonderful recipe for lobster bisque! Okay, I made that last part up, but by this point my brain was trying to crawl out of my head in boredom, so I might have been hallucinating a little bit.
I'd like to point out that this is the only movie I've ever seen where a dinosaur has been driven off of a cliff face, only to explode in a huge fireball upon impact on the valley floor below. And I really didn't expect Cushing's character to be granted access to the pterodactyl overlords' private library.
Fortunately, the cuneiform tablets contain all the details necessary to overthrow the oppressors, which only leaves us with the problem of Jubal the Ugly One, leader of the local caveman tribe, who happens to be the princess's boyfriend. The tribe isn't exactly generous in their naming conventions, with other examples being Hoojah the Sly One, Dungah the Stinky, and Petrooklah the Slightly Gimpy With The Hunch And Bad Halitosis.
After using crude handmade bows to take down the large, piñata-like pterodactyls, McClure faces off against Jubal. Man to Man, face to face, with the fate of the tribe and the princess hang in the balance. Their duel isn't quite up to the level of the alley fight in They Live, but it IS just slightly better than an average episode of Dragonball Z, only with more exploding mushrooms. Our intrepid explorer is the eventual victor, and wisely decides to trade the beautiful girl and leadership of the village for a return trip to the surface in a metal cylinder with Peter Cushing. Makes sense to me.
Back to Borderline Mensa Writer's Page
Back to Borderline Mensa