This Bites!!
By Rich Bruso
December 2005
If ever you are bored, I would highly recommend visiting www.imdb.com and performing a plot keyword search. It is truly an enlightening experience. Let's try to find this month's movie, okay? The keyword 'bath' gives us a very large table of related keywords, most of which point towards a particular kind of movie. You know, perhaps one that's available in the, ahem, adult section of the video store. Let's steer away from them for the moment. Ooooh, 'vampire' is on the list!! That brings us down to just two titles, but which to pick? Well, there are still keywords. Should I go for 'bikini' or 'suspense'? Oh, what the heck, 'suspense' it is.
Oh no. Do I have to? It's one of Polanski's films. Yeah, the guy who did The Ninth Gate. Well, it's my own fault. But how bad could it be? Ferdy Mayne, sometimes credited as 'God', is in the movie, and the maid is played by Fiona Lewis, who portrayed Lucy in the 1973 version of Dracula. The title, you ask? The Fearless Vampire Killers or Pardon Me, But Your Teeth Are in My Neck. Wow, star power AND a goofy title. How could we lose?
How? By actually watching the movie, as I learned. Vampire movies are pretty basic. Take a bloodsucker, throw in a dash of bosoms, add in the intrepid vampire hunter, romantically involve the hunter and the bosoms, then have the vampire kidnap the bosoms. This will, without fail, lure the hero into a final duel, preferably at about the 75 minute mark. Sure, you can festoon this basic skeleton with a bit of plot here and some dialog there, but the overall structure is sound and has been thoroughly tested by about 9,345,815,506 other movies. But no, Mr. Polanski had to add his own twist.
The twist, you ask? It's a spoof. Sure, today that's old hat. From Fright Night to Dracula: Dead and Loving It, horror spoofs abound. But, back in 1967, the only real examples of the genre came at the hands of Abbott and Costello. So how does this movie stack up against the earlier efforts? Well, I don't think I've ever seen anyone fall asleep watching Abbott and Costello. Okay, so it was a little slow.
After watching the entire movie, Amy noted that the bath scene was beautifully framed, with perfect music, lighting, effects, everything. The girl is discreetly covered in bubble bath, the snow falling through the skylight twinkles perfectly in the light, and the actress has the perfect blend of wonderment and delight upon her face. This was the artistic vision at the core of the movie.
Unfortunately, the humor book-ending this one scene wasn't quite up to snuff. Maybe it's just me, but a five minute long, intricately choreographed, period-correct ballroom dance scene isn't funny. And it's exactly where the exciting chase scene/swordfight should have been. And quite a bit of the remaining humor centers on the attempted adultery of the innkeeper and his wife's reactions. After this, even the coffin toboggan scenes didn't even elicit a chuckle.
There was some decent trick photography to give the illusion the vampires couldn't be seen in mirrors, but the effects were lost, buried deep beneath the attempted seduction of one of the hunters by the vampire's son.
So, the good points: Nice bath/snow scene, absolutely no appearances by Carrot Top.
The bad: Everything else.
The verdict? Watch Dracula: Dead and Loving It. The staking scene is pretty funny, and it's 20 minutes shorter.
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