The Incredibly Boring Plot That Flopped And Became A Mixed Up Movie
By Rich Bruso
August, 2005
Way back in 1963, a movie was released that was so absurd its mere existence was said to be a hoax. Without access to video tapes, people who caught the theatrical release were left without any credible evidence to back up their claims. "No, honestly. I saw it. Then this guy came out and grabbed my girlfriend!" And, the legend goes, the Marquee Dressers of America complained on those few occasions when the movie actually was played, saying that it caused them to run out of letters.
Based on name alone, I had sought this movie for years, ever since uncovering clues about its origins in the mid-90's. Zombies!! Side show freaks!! Vegas-style musical numbers!! An incomprehensible sidekick!! Commentary by Joe Bob Briggs!! A twelve word title!! What movie could possibly lead me to use so many exclamation points?! Well, none other than The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!
Yes, the movie actually exists, and last year the special 41st anniversary edition DVD was released. And this month happens to be the 41st anniversary of Doug's birth. How perfect! And the movie was actually quite watchable in a cheesy way.
Now the bad news. I had planned for this to be a glowing review of the movie, sprinkled with interesting references, humorous anecdotes, and even some revealing insights into the low-budget movie making experience. Unfortunately for you, I actually have a set of ground rules in place, and this movie violated one of them.
You see, long ago I decided not to review any movie that was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000. And, back during the eighth season, Mike Nelson and friends watched this very movie, which is very bad news for you.
Why is that bad, you ask? Well, instead of that wonderful review, I am forced to present the lamest Frankenstein-based movie ever made, Hammer's Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell, featuring the immortal Peter Cushing, known for roles ranging from a gaunt-looking old guy in Star Wars to a gaunt-looking old guy in At the Earth's Core. Rumor has it that, early in his career, he was actually quite young looking, but rumor also has it that dogs can't look up (for more information, see Shaun of the Dead).
Primary amongst my complaints about this movie is their theory of genetics. Yes, interbreeding can help to increase occurrence of desired traits, but surgical modifications don't count. I don't care if you did put the genius's brain and the sculptor's hands onto your beast. Putting him out to stud will still result in a beast. If you wanted the brain, why not use the genius as breeding stock? Also, I'm sorry to say, transplanting a sculptor's hands onto the guy who wore the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars isn't likely to result in a new rendition of David.
And then there's the script, which I assume actually existed at some time. Slowly, almost glacially, the plot builds up towards a moment of tension where something is going to happen, leaving us on the edge of our seats in anticipation, and we are treated to: A scene change! For what possible reason would the writers lead us into the monster's lair if they're just going to yank us out and over to the supervisor's office just when the scene gets interesting?
And what was that spinning, clicking thing on the doctor's desk?
As often happens with this type of movie, the credits began rolling before any of the questions were properly answered. Nor will they, as this was the last in the Frankenstein series by Hammer Films, which went bankrupt before the decade ended.
So, what lesson did we learn today? First, I need to check the MST3K episode listings before renting a movie for review. Second, avoid Hammer Frankenstein movies. And third, man was not meant to play God, as this will result in a stinker of a film.
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