Why Do I Keep Doing This To Myself?
By Rich Bruso
April, 2004
So, the Random House College Dictionary defines suspense as: "A state or condition of mental uncertainty or excitement, as from awaiting a decision or outcome." Of course, this is the American definition. Apparently, over in Jolly Old England, suspense is defined as: "Just like a normal movie, only slower." But I'm getting ahead of myself.
This month, a loyal minion dug up a retelling of the classic, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde as interpreted by the folks at Hammer Films, in England. Hammer is best known for churning out hundreds of movies with titles such as Dracula, The Brides Of Dracula, Countess Dracula, Dracula Has Risen From The Grave, Bloody Scream Of Dracula, 7 Brothers And A Sister Meet Dracula, Scars Of Dracula, and, of course, Taste The Blood Of Dracula. Of course, just about any of these are more exciting than this month's feature.
Let's cut to an imagined scene. Picture the executive offices of Hammer Films. In strides a Writer with a wonderful idea:
WRITER: Gentlemen, I have an idea for our next masterpiece.
SENIOR PRODUCER: Excellent. Let's hear it.
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: As long as it's not another Dracula movie. I'm sick to death of them.
[General nods of assent]
WRITER: Scratch that, then. I have another idea. How about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Have we done that one yet?
LEGAL GUY: I don't think so. Will we need to buy the movie rights?
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: No, I think Stevenson is dead. It should be public domain. No problem there.
WRITER: Okay, here's the idea. Picture 19th century London. A scientist is trying to discover the secret of eternal youth. Since women have smooth skin and don't lose their hair, he decides that female hormones must be the key to living forever.
SENIOR PRODUCER: I like where this is going. Nudity, eh?
[Nudges the Executive Producer]
WRITER: Umm, sure, we could work some in. We'll need to keep it short, though, so it can be cut out for the networks. Anyway, he begins killing young prostitutes to extract the hormones. Using his razor sharp scalpel, he cuts off the...
LEGAL GUY: That's not "Jekyll and Hyde", that's "Jack the Ripper."
SENIOR PRODUCER: It's not like people actually read anymore, so nobody's going to check the facts.
[More nods of assent. Some mumbling. Someone remarks, "I can't read or write."]
SENIOR PRODUCER: So, where's the nudity?
WRITER: I'm working on that. Okay, a beautiful girl moves in upstairs from Dr. Jekyll, and...
SENIOR PRODUCER: Now we're talking.
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Look, you'll get your nudity. Let the young man continue.
WRITER: Thank you. Okay, so she moves in upstairs with her brother and mother. Meanwhile, Jekyll continues his experiments. Now, here's the twist.
[Everyone leans in expectantly]
WRITER: He...becomes a woman!
LEGAL GUY: What? Dear boy, this studio has harsh penalties for drug abuse, and I'll have you know...
WRITER: No, wait! The female hormones cause the transformation. See, it brings out his feminine side.
SENIOR PRODUCER: [mumbling] Wish someone would bring out my feminine side.
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: What was that?
SENIOR PRODUCER: Nothing! Nothing at all. [To Writer] Continue.
WRITER: So, while his male half is in love with the girl upstairs, his female half is after the brother! Much hilarity ensues.
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Hilarity? Wasn't this a suspense movie? Where are the slow, dramatic chase scenes?
WRITER: Sorry, got off track a bit. Okay, no hilarity, but we do need chases.
SENIOR PRODUCER: And nudity!
WRITER: Yes, yes, and nudity. Perhaps a short clip of her in front of the mirror, opening her robe to verify she's a she.
SENIOR PRODUCER: [looks off dreamily] Perfect.
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Still, seems it will be a bit short. I mean, it does need to be 96 minutes, right? You have enough for, maybe, 75 minutes.
WRITER: How about this. Frame the entire thing in a flashback.
[More murmurs of assent. A shout of, "Brilliant!" is heard.]
SENIOR PRODUCER: All we need now is a title. How about, Damn, I Wish I Were A Woman!
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: [edges away from the Senior Producer] No, too, umm, personal. How about, Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde?
WRITER: Sister Hyde? Of course, she can pose as Jekyll's sister from out of town!
SENIOR PRODUCER: Yes! Then he can dress up in frilly clothes and seduce men!!
WRITER: Umm, sure. So, it's a go?
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: We'll get right on it!
SENIOR PRODUCER: Mommy, why did you dress me like that!?
Bottom line: Avoid this movie.
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