Gothic Western?
by Rich Bruso
May 2003
A local member once asked why I don't watch good movies. You know, classics starring actors such as John Wayne. So I promised him I would try to work one into our schedule. It turns out May was the Duke's birthday, so what better time to feature one of his films?
Luckily, I knew he starred in an absolutely horrible movie called The Conqueror. Picture this: Hollywood studios have exclusive contracts with actors, with a minimum number of movies a year. As a star, you would prefer to be able to pick from any studio or any movie. As the studio, it is in your best interests to squash such initiative. You wouldn't want your property wandering off to make money for your competitors, would you?
So, somebody at the Duke's studio decided he would be perfect for the part of Genghis Khan. Really. And, of course, he had no choice but to play the part. Don't expect to see this movie in any of his "Best Of..." collections. You see, and I mean no disrespect with this statement, a tough yet reliable cowboy, complete with trademark drawl, isn't exactly who you want to play the bloodthirsty Khan. Oh, and it's a romance, too.
Doug located a copy for sale. To hedge our bets, we also elected to order a backup movie, in case our feature was late. Good thing we did, since The Conqueror still hasn't come in. So, instead of the promised John Wayne treat, I'll subject you all to a lesser-known Western, one with action, romance, gunfights, outlaws, and that staple of Cowboy movies, the mad scientist trying to resurrect people. That's right, I'm reviewing Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter!
For those of you who are still reading, rest assured that this movie really exists. To be honest, it's actually Dr. Frankenstein's granddaughter. But Jesse does meet her. The movie was released in the 60's, to audiences estimated to be as large as 20 people. It has the distinction of being the first Western/Frankenstein crossover movie filmed in color, known as "Pathe Color". And, with all early color films, the wardrobe department went stark raving mad trying to make sure each character had different colored clothes to fully showcase this new medium. Oh, and the back of the box featured "Fun Facts", such as the fact that one of the lead actresses died less than three months after filming finished. Fun!
So, the movie opens on a guy mumbling in Spanish. His wife and daughter enter, and he complains that the doctor on the hill took their son. The wall looks strangely similar to Doug's apartment wall, which it very well could be, as this movie was set in Arizona.
Anyway, cut to an exterior shot of a small village set in front of a large matte painting of a vaguely castle-like building on a hill. If you look closely, you can see the brush strokes. This is, of course, the residence of Dr. Frankenstein's granddaughter and her brother, both of which are doctors of some sort, possibly podiatrists, based on their knowledge of the human brain. The extensive library in the building contains exactly one book, which she apparently hasn't read all the way through, containing such phrases as "...the dual thermic impulsator must also be attached to a living brain to transmit living vibrations." You know, normal first year medical stuff.
The doctor appears to be trying to resurrect the dead. No, wait, they're alive still. I think she's trying to resurrect the living. Oddly enough, she seems to fail at this. Of course, the audience is let in on a little secret: Her brother detests these experiments, and keeps slipping the patients poison instead of digitalis. So, to keep his sister from bringing a living person to life, he kills them. You'd think she would notice that a bottle of digitalis lasts for years, but she has to refill the poison on a daily basis. Oh, and she has a synthetic, pulsating brain in a dish, apparently activated by an Alka-Seltzer tablet. I didn't think brains actually pulsed except after drinking heavily.
Fifteen minutes in, we cut to a bare-chested, poorly choreographed fistfight on a totally different small town set. One of the fighters is Hank, beloved sidekick of Jesse James, invented for this movie to give a street brawler a paying job.
Somehow, Jesse and his sidekick hook up with the "Wild Bunch", three underpaid actors, of which two die immediately. The third manages to attach himself to a marshal chasing Jesse. Seems he traded his family and a 1/5th share of $100,000 for a $10,000 reward on Jesse's head. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but a 1/5th share of $100,000 is $20,000, right? As in twice the reward he's trying to get? Not exactly the brightest bulb on the tree.
So, the marshal manages to shoot Hank during the gunfight, leading to a disturbing series of Rorschach inkblot tests as the continuity expert tries to match bloodstains from scene to scene. Jesse picks up the girl from the first scene, then stumbles on the doctor's castle. Of course, the doctor tries to keep Hank alive so she can resurrect him, or whatever it is she does. This leads to a laughable fight scene involving the marshal, Jesse, the doctor, her brother, and a newly resurrected Hank with very poor stitching around his head.
The movie ends with Jesse riding off with the marshal, leaving the girl behind with a pile of dead bodies in the poorly painted building on the hill. I'm not sure, but Jesse may have saved the marshal's life at one point. Perhaps they are friends now? Who knows? Who cares?
And maybe next year we can review The Conqueror, assuming it ever arrives.
Back to Borderline Mensa Writer's Page
Back to Borderline Mensa