Sgt. Kabukiman, N.Y.P.D.
Or
How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Cheese
by Rich Bruso
February 2003
The good news: My VCR is back to normal, and my DVD player still works. The bad news: That means you have to suffer through yet another movie review. This month's fine feature is entitled Sgt. Kabukiman, N.Y.P.D. I would like to apologize, in advance, to anyone familiar with Kabuki, that ancient theatre style from Japan. I thought Kabuki had taken enough abuse from the late 80's Nintendo game called "Kabuki: Quantum Fighter", one of the few video games to feature long hair as an actual weapon. It seems that some twisted mind thought we needed a Kabuki-themed cop drama. Let's hope he didn't chafe himself too badly with his nice, white shirt with the long, buckled sleeves.
I'll start off with some praise. This is one of the best single DVDs I've seen. It was nice and round, with no scratches, and a correctly sized hole right in the middle! Seriously, though, this one DVD had much more content than I am used to seeing. From an animated short version of the movie, to behind the scenes movie and still clips, all the way to the most, umm, uplifting public service announcement I've ever seen. Oh, it also had the movie on it somewhere, but you can manage to get over an hour's worth of entertainment out of the DVD without it. Actually, I'd recommend that viewers avoid the movie and just soak in the high quality cheese-like substance exuded by the DVD extras.
For masochists, the film features everything: Action! Drama! Clowns! Chopstick-wielding Kabuki fighters! A monkey! And, of course, something the producers refer to as a plot, better known throughout the industry as an excuse to blow a wad of money. As far as they go, this plot isn't the worst I've seen. Redneck Zombies comes to mind, despite what the nice neurosurgeon said before the operation. But I digress.
Apparently, there's a complicated prophecy involving monkeys riding jaguars, dragons, and rings around Jupiter (not Uranus, which would have been much funnier). When all these things come together, the Dark One will take over the universe. Only the Chosen One, wielding the legendary powers of Kabukiman, can stop these events and save the universe. That's the plot. Really.
Unfortunately, it turns out the Chosen One was chosen to die quickly, meaning he wasn't around for the transfer ritual, which naturally involves earthworms. Strangely, the ritual was supposed to take place, on stage, at a Kabuki version of The Odd Couple. Yes, the one with Felix and Oscar. Of course, the show was packed, proving Dave Barry's theory that you can get a crowd to watch anything in New York City.
During a pivotal silent argument scene over, you guessed it, cleanliness of their apartment, Oscar, played by a distant twisted cousin of Kato Kaelin, opens fire on Felix, played by that silent Japanese man. Luckily, our hero the sergeant is in the audience. While trying to revive the old man, Kabukiman's spirit gets transferred to one of New York's finest. The acting goes downhill from here.
Some of the best scenes in the remainder of the movie involve our hero being chewed out by his captain. Not that the acting is better, it's just that, through the windows in the office, you can make out silhouettes of the rest of the police force engaging in normal police activity, such as holding people upside down, taking turns punching clowns, and doing the wave. Either there was a very large budget for extras, or a whole bunch of people were in a movie having fun for free.
After his initial transformation into Kabukiman, our hero finds out it isn't so easy. During a fight, he attempts to transform, but doesn't get it quite right. Apparently, the woman who was telling him he needed to learn control was right. Too bad she wasn't an adviser to the producers. Instead of the comically large samurai sword, he has an old-style "aawOOOgah" horn. Before, he could fling hundreds of chopsticks with the flick of the wrist, pinning bad guys to trees. Now, all that comes out is a bit of glitter. And the outfit isn't quite right. Instead of the traditional Kabuki makeup and dress, he's a rotund clown. Picture Bozo if he let himself go.
He commandeers a tricycle for the pivotal car chase scene only to be hit by a truck. From the shattered remains of his transportation, he manages to assemble: A unicycle! At this point, a stuntman who actually knows how to ride a unicycle slips into a MUCH slimmer clown outfit and continues the chase. Once the chase ends, the original actor appears again in the huge clown suit, and the footrace leads us to some truly uninspired scenes, which I'll skip.
It turns out the annoying woman is the granddaughter of the dead Kabuki actor. Also, in order to properly control the Kabuki powers, our hero is forced to count grains of rice upside down, take lots of physical abuse from the woman, and, most importantly, memorize the absolute worst haiku in existence. You know, the usual.
The critical final fight of the movie blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, maybe I wasn't paying a lot of attention at this point. In reality, my brain was trying to crawl free through my ear, in the process almost knocking over my drink. You think it would know better, being a brain and all. I guess it wasn't used to being out on its own. The problem with letting your mind wander is that it might not return.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Avoid this movie.
And another piece of bad news to ruin your day: Sgt. Kabukiman, L.A.P.D. is in the works.
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