The Dark Side of Innovation
By Rich Bruso
November 2006
It seems that every innovation, no matter how noble the original intent, can be used for evil. After all, without radio the word Macarena wouldn't put a homicidal glint into anyone's eyes. And without cell phones, what excuse would idiots have for weaving through traffic?
I recently fell victim to one such innovation. Ever since we killed off our cable connection, we've been buying movies that we watch once. Not only can this get expensive, but it also tends to fill the movie shelves. And, in general, these movies are the type that nobody seems to want to buy from us, leaving us the option to either give them as gifts to people we hate or use the DVDs as Frisbees. Surely there has to be something better for people like us, right? And there is: Netflix.
Netflix, like the mold in the wall behind your shower, has been quietly growing over the past several years. It's a simple premise: for a monthly fee they mail you a few DVDs. When you are done with them, whether it's this week, this month, or next year, you mail them back. Repeat as necessary. Much cheaper than renting locally, and they have a much larger selection.
Sounds great, you say, so what's the problem. Consider this hypothetical situation: you walk into your local rental place and there, at the end of an aisle, is the complete season one of Knight Rider. Thinking back fondly to the glory days of TV cheese, you'll pick it up, read the back, then have a good laugh and put it down. You might even mention it to your coworkers the next day, but you probably wouldn't rent it. After all, do you really want to pay $2.99 for each of the seven discs that make up the set? At $20.93, you could almost buy season one for the rental price, and do you really want that sitting up on your shelf? On a hidden shrine, perhaps, but not out there in the open for everyone to see.
On an unrelated note, if you're visiting my house, it's best not to open the cabinets at the end of the hall.
Now extend that hypothetical situation to Netflix. Here's where that little devil guy appears on your shoulder. Hey, remember how ludicrous the show's plots seemed? Weren't they fun, in a guilty pleasure sort of way? Wouldn't it be cool to check out the hair, the cars, the acting? C'mon, you've already paid for the month, and it costs the same no matter what you select.
Thus, I ended up with several of the discs from season one of Knight Rider in my house. In what she assures me is a complete coincidence, Amy was out of town for the time they were here. And on one disc, entitled "Bonus Material" was, of all things, the 1991 made for TV movie Knight Rider 2000, which I had never seen. Ok, I'll roll up my sleeves and dive right in. After all, how bad could it be?
Famous last words, though it's not as bad as it could have been. And the combination of a pacifist police force and the cryogenic prison system is strangely similar to Demolition Man, which actually came out two years after this movie, though it does without the calzone reference. The high point, in my opinion, is the brief (less than one second) appearance of a first generation Ford Taurus SHO at 40 minutes and 34 seconds. Though the paint looks sort of like Mocha Frost, given the air date I'd guess it's really an '89 or '90 Light Titanium with less than optimal set lighting.
The other 90 minutes and 59 seconds isn't quite as enjoyable. One of KITT's original memory chips has been implanted into a female police officer who was shot in the head, the rest of his parts end up strapped to a 1957 Chevy, Star Trek's Jimmy Doohan makes an appearance at an ATM as Scottie, and we are led to believe that, given the choice, Michael Knight would rather run an unsuccessful bass fishing charter service than drive around at 200+ miles per hour fighting crime and meeting new women on a weekly basis.
Actually, the Demolition Man similarities are eerie. It turns out that the police department is tired of not being able to shoot back, so one of the higher-ups releases a killer from the cryo-prison in an attempt to get the anti-violent police laws repealed. Unfortunately, instead of Sylvester Stallone, the hero pulled off of ice, so to speak, is Mr. Baywatch himself, David Hasselhoff.
Using his standard tactics of confusing the bad guys by never shooting back, having a car that can drive itself, and hitting on every woman in sight, Michael manages to save the future of the free world. Oh, and he zaps a perfectly innocent Jimmy Doohan on his way to the bank. You have to have your hobbies, I guess.
And, in case you are suffering from Knight Rider withdrawal, the first four seasons are available at Netflix. And, in 2008, Knight Rider will be coming to the big screen. That's right, a full theatrical release! Somehow, I don't think I'll be able to convince Amy to come for opening day.
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