Warwick Davis, How Far You Have Fallen
by Rich Bruso
March 2003
So, as those of you who cheated and read the front cover know, March is upon us. Yes, it's time for green beer, four-leaf clovers, and that creature the whole world associates with St. Patrick's Day: The guy barfing in the alley at 1:00 A.M. Oh, and leprechauns.
Yes, leprechauns. Those lovable little scamps, known for their trickster ways, pots of gold, and good humor. A Lucky Charms commercial comes to mind. Little did I know that, in Hollywood at least, leprechauns are actually greedy, murderous demons intent on destroying all standing between them and their gold. Oh, and they rhyme really poorly, and I mean it; Does anyone want a peanut?
Unfortunately, Warwick Davis is at least partially to blame for this leprechaun slander. For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Davis, he has played several roles of note, including the title character in Willow and the Ewok who befriends Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi, both of which actually made money. Unfortunately, he was led astray when he accepted the title role for Leprechaun, slipping further and further away with each sequel. Leprechaun 2 actually made it to theaters, but after that it was direct-to-video time for Leprechaun 3, Leprechaun 4: In Space, Leprechaun In The Hood, and the upcoming Leprechaun: Back In Da Hood.
Anyway, I decided that either "In Space" or "In The Hood" would be perfect for a review. Unfortunately, the local bad movie store had both, leading to the unfortunate decision to take them both home. Several of us assembled to eat pizza and chicken wings and watch these fine films. "In The Hood" won the coin toss, so it was inserted first.
Sometimes a movie can really fool you. A movie that starts slow, like The Matrix can pick right up and rip along at high speed. Unfortunately, this movie proved a movie could start out promising and go downhill faster than a gold-medal winner in the luge event.
Opening scene: It's sometime in the late 70's. Rapper and actor Ice T, along with a friend, are outfitted in horrendous plaid pants, gold medallions, and fro's big enough to be hazards to low flying aircraft. They break into a basement containing a half-eaten cheeseburger and a six-pack of "Colt .54". Obviously not quite what the thieves had in mind. After a scuffle, Ice T tosses his coworker through a flimsy wall, exposing an alcove containing a pot of gold, a magic flute, and a statue of a leprechaun wearing an enormous gold medallion. Well, as Ice T's friend finds out, removing the medallion brings Mr. Leprechaun back to life.
Having your throat slit with a hair pick probably isn't the worst way to die, but it sure does look painful. Reaching deep into his hairstyle, Ice T pulls forth a gun, which the leprechaun magically heats enough to make the rapper drop. Reaching further in, he withdraws a switchblade, apparently in the mistaken belief that magic only affects guns. Wrong. Desperate, our rapper reaches even deeper into his fro to pull out: A baseball bat. Apparently, Batman's utility belt has nothing on late 70's hairstyling technology. Well, to make a long story short, the medallion ends up back on the leprechaun's neck, transforming him back to stone.
Fast forward (unfortunately, the movie timeline, not the movie itself) to the late 90's. Our friend Ice T is now quite rich and in control of a record label, all thanks to the magic flute. Apparently, the flute has the power to make anyone who hears it think the next music they hear is the best ever, which could explain Vanilla Ice, Gerardo, and Milli Vanilli. Anyway, we shift to a group of rapper hopefuls who are a tad short in the talent department. Butch, Stray Bullet, and Postmaster P are their names, and absolutely horrible rhymes are their game. An example: "Jesus loves me, this I know; And if he don't, I'll..umm..find a ho?"
After being turned down by Ice T's record label, they decide to break into his office. In the process they shoot the senior rapper, steal his gold and magic flute, and free the leprechaun. At this point the movie has already begun the downward spiral, but now the pace quickens. The leprechaun tries everything to get his flute back, including taking up smoking pot, turning women into glowing green-eyed "Zombie Fly Girls", and horrible rhymes like "A friend with weed is a friend indeed." More time is spent showing why, without the flute, these three rappers would never make it in the music industry.
Luckily several of the key characters are killed off, bringing hope that the movie might end. Unfortunately, the movie has only barely passed the 60-minute mark. At this point we are treated to disjointed scenes following a gunfight where the leprechaun is apparently killed. The general effect is that they are showing us all three-dozen possible alternate endings. Well, at least they are endings, right?
Wrong. At 89 minutes, the movie proves it CAN get worse. The two remaining rappers are reading a book entitled "Leprechauns for Dummies", when they discover that four leaf clovers temporarily disable leprechauns. They hatch a brilliant scheme involving them dressing as ugly women with facial hair, rolling a special four leaf clover-laced joint, and tricking the leprechaun into smoking it. Yes, that is their great plan.
From here the death spiral increases speed again, bringing us through bad cross-dressing scenes, a truly laughable gunfight, and the worst rhyming contest ever. The movie leaves us with an awful rap video starring the leprechaun and the one remaining rapper, Postmaster P. It also leaves us with a taste in our mouth no amount of pizza can cleanse.
To prove that I am not totally heartless, I allow my friends to leave before I put in the second movie. Unfortunately, I can't remember anything past that point, but my notes, where they aren't obscured by tortured scribblings, do say to never watch two Leprechaun movies in a row.
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