I Can't Believe It's Not Butterball
By Rich Bruso
December 2003


As the holidays approach, people all around the country are trying to decide what to get for that "difficult" person. You know, the uncle that has no interests at all, or the crazy cousin you don't really know too well. Traditionally, a fruitcake is given in these circumstances, but recent security precautions make mailing such a hazardous item harder and harder to do. Instead, I'd suggest a nice meat sampler set, available at stores everywhere. These usually contain various smoked meats, ranging from sausages, to other types of sausages, and even including items such as, well, sausages. Okay, so it isn't much of a sampler, but at least it's high in cholesterol.

Of course, trying to find a smoked meat-themed movie for your holiday enjoyment is quite a challenge. Luckily, no challenge is too great for your humble author, and, for your pleasure, I present Motel Hell. The motel (actually named "Motel Hello", but the neon sign is acting up) is run by Farmer Vincent and his sister, who have a nice meat smoking business on the side. He prides himself on producing a selection of all-natural smoked meats, using no preservatives.

Now, since I am the one reviewing this movie, you have probably already begun wondering what kind of meat goes into these snacks. Well, as the movie says, "It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent fritters!" In this case, the critters are passing motorists, mixed in with pork and beef for a nice, smooth taste.

You may be thinking, "How does one go about trapping passing motorists?" Luckily, Farmer Vincent has figured out several effective methods. One is to simply shoot out the front wheels, which he uses to great effect on a motorcycle. Another, used on the van for the band "Ivan and the Terribles", is to lay bear traps on the road, which do a nice job on tires, too. And, it turns out the good Farmer also places ads for the motel in swingers magazines, which tend to draw in the types who don't tell their families where they are going, and who sign in using pseudonyms. Tragically, nowhere in the movie does anyone comment, "Wow, a night's stay costs an arm and a leg around here!"

One of the secrets to a good smoked sausage is proper aging of the meat. Farmer Vincent has a plot where he "plants" the poor motorists, burying them up to their necks. Speaking of necks, he also removes their vocal cords, lest they attract attention. Oh, and he puts burlap sacks over the heads, presumably to prevent sunburn. Nothing is worse than finding a crispy chunk of skin in your sausage.

It turns out Farmer Vincent learned the smoking trade from his dear, sweet mother, who routinely smoked frogs, dogs, 'n' hogs. Squirrel, too. I wish I were making this up. As mama used to say, "Meat's meat, and a man's gotta eat", proving once again that a movie featuring gruesome cannibalism doesn't necessarily have to give up on catchy slogans. Oh, and there's an environmental theme, too. You see, overpopulation and world hunger are issues, so Farmer Vincent figures we should kill off the excess people and feed them to the hungry. Amazingly, the Nobel committee still hasn't called to announce his nomination.

As usually happens in these movies, a girl causes the Farmer's downfall. The girl in question was the girlfriend of one of the movie's first victims, the motorcycle guy. She falls madly in love with Farmer Vincent, eliciting jealousy from his sister and anger from his little brother, the local sheriff. The sheriff finds out what is happening, the motorcycle boyfriend manages to dig himself out of the garden, and the girl is introduced to the "secret recipe" that makes the sausages so tasty. All of this drags us, kicking and screaming, to the movie's finale, a chainsaw duel. Really.

For some reason, the Farmer dons a severed pig's head to do battle. I'm not certain, but I'd think that wearing a dead pig's head would obscure your vision, a detriment in most chainsaw duels, but the Farmer holds his own, mainly because Mr. Motorcycle isn't very handy with the 'saw. Perhaps he's left-handed. If you don't know why this would be an impediment, try using a chainsaw left-handed some time. I'd suggest practicing with the motor off first, unless you like the nickname "stumpy."

The Farmer is finally done in by his brother, of all people. In a touching death scene that is acted much better than Shmi's scene in Episode II, Farmer Vincent becomes reflective. I don't know what my last words will be, but I hope they're on par with the good Farmer's: "Flashing back on my life...I...I'm the biggest hypocrite...I...I...used...preservatives."


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