Consider the Bar Lowered
by Rich Bruso
October 2005


Back in 2001, Dr. Wolfgang Ketterle and some of his MIT cronies managed to reach 0.00000000025 Kelvin (in layman's terms, that’s freaking cold) in a laboratory. In an unrelated event on March 2nd, 1991, Mr. Dennis Walston managed to limbo under a flaming bar a mere six inches off of the ground.

So, what do the high-brow subjects of competitive dance and physics have to do with a movie review? Sure, there's always someone reaching ever higher, but every field also has those intrepid folks willing to press the lower bounds. Willing to brave frostbite and severe chiropractic bills, they keep trying to lower the bar, as it were.

In 1987, the Topps Chewing Gum Company decided to enter the fray, in answer to the challenge laid forth by Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise. They assembled a crack team that included both Mackenzie Astin (of Facts of Life fame) and Anthony Newley (perhaps best known for his portrayal of Hieronymus Merkin in 1969's Can Hieronymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness?). Their quest: to make Nerds in Paradise appear to be high culture. The vehicle for their intrepid journey: The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.

That's right, someone actually put forth actual money to make a movie based on those collectable sticker/trading cards featuring such characters as Valerie Vomit and Windy Winston. Oh, and did I mention the movie is live action? Could it get any better?

Well, I'm sure it could have, but that would have thwarted the original vision. Instead, the movie somehow manages to fall short of the quality and humor of the original trading cards. From the opening (and unexplained) garbage can rocket sequence, through the creepy old magician guy making the boy wear a dress, to the inevitable fashion show sequence, this movie manages to carve lower and lower on the entertainment scale.

I had always thought that, similar to absolute zero, there was some hard and fast lower bound, beyond which no more entertainment value could possibly be removed from a movie. Boy was I wrong. I've dubbed this new territory "negatainment" in honor of the fact that watching this movie actually drains enjoyment out of previously viewed movies. On the plus side, this movie does serve to cleanse the cinematic palette, ensuring that future movies are judged solely on their own merit.

Did I mention it was a musical?

And why would the city's sewer system have clearly marked pipes (to the zoo, to the hot tub, to the sewer plant, etc.) in a publicly accessible location? Can there ever be a situation where a citizen, called upon in time of emergency, would really need to be able to divert output from the city zoo to a local hot tub?

And why, why, was there a fashion show?

Tragically, the one thing I was looking forward to in this movie was at least an attempt at a gross-out, but this movie is less offensive than Stimpy's litter box ever was. I've seen grosser things in a Rainbow Brite cartoon. C'mon, Disney has better rude effects.

And they were singing!

So, in summary, the folks at Topps Chewing Gum outdid themselves, we have a new standard for cinematic dullness, and I have a DVD for sale. Any offers?

As a side note, somehow this movie managed to convince CBS executives to produce an animated series based on the characters. Fortunately, the group Action for Children's Television managed to keep it from ever being aired. Tragically, the group didn't receive a Nobel Prize for their efforts. I guess they reserve those for members of the "in" crowd, such as Dr. Ketterle.


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