For Your Enjoyment, A Fine Thanksgiving Feast
A review of Rabid Grannies
by Rich Bruso
November 2002
Ahh, I love Thanksgiving. It is a time to gorge yourself, enjoy the company of your family, and trade stories with distant relatives. Yes, the key to Thanksgiving truly is the family. And I can proudly say, after seeing this month's feature, that my family isn't nearly as dysfunctional as I thought.
The title of this heartwarming, touching holiday favorite is Rabid Grannies. True, the movie isn't actually set during the Thanksgiving holidays, but I blame that on the French. Actually, this entire movie can be blamed on them, as it was made in France. The original title was Les Mémés Cannibales. And no, I guess I didn't learn my lesson about foreign films after Robo Vampire. I'm just a glutton for punishment.
Okay, complaint time. With a title like Rabid Grannies you'd expect, well, either rabies or grannies. This movie has neither. Oh, and the picture on the front of the box is pure fiction, but in a most unusual way. Of course, none of the three people in the picture are in the actual movie, but the worst part is the monster makeup. From the box, you'd think the monster effects would be ultra-low budget. The grannies look more like they had some unfortunate skin disease, not like they are flesh-eating zombies. The actual aunties in the movie have much, much better quality monster makeup, prosthetics, fake blood, etc. It's a bit like getting a copy of The Matrix with crayon drawings of a guy holding a gun on the cover.
Also, if you are going to dub a movie from a foreign language, accept that the lips won't match up! On the soundstage, the voice-over actors tried to get their words to line up with lip motions on screen, resulting in a weird speed up, slow down style of dialogue usually reserved for cassette tapes that have been left in the sun.
Fortunately, the original director of photography realized this might be a problem, so he made sure to keep most of the action firmly centered on someone about three feet to the left of the person talking. The result was a bit confusing, and at several times key props for the plot were entirely cropped off. Luckily, the plot was taken straight off of the rack over in the scripting department, without so much as a quick cleaning and ironing.
The aunties, apparently fraternal twins, are about to have their 100th birthday party. The director chews up almost 30 minutes of film to explain that they are obscenely rich, their relatives hate each other, nobody likes the aunts but everyone wants their money, and that the staff at the palatial countryside estate are just weird. A lot of attention is focused on the cook, the maid, and the butler/chauffeur, leading the viewer to believe they will play a key part in the plot later. These viewers are wrong.
A mysterious stranger drops off a present for the ladies. This present is from the black sheep of the family, their Satanic cult leading, black magic using nephew. Much hilarity ensues when the box unleashes a mist, turning the aunties into ravenous, cannibalistic zombies.
At this point, all three members of the household staff are killed, though the movie doesn't go into a lot of detail. Actually, I assumed throughout the movie that the maid was still alive, waiting in the shadows to spring out and save the day. Of course I was disappointed. Oh, and only one couple even tries to get out of the house. Everyone else, in true horror movie style, retreats further into the house.
We are now left with the aunties snacking on the family dog, the cook, the butler, and one unfortunate niece. The remaining people have split into three or four groups, all locked in different rooms. After a mother realizes her daughter is still out there, her husband steps forth and, obeying instincts handed down in the French military for years, surrenders and begins drinking heavily, leaving the wife to go out and search on her own.
In another area of the house, the aunties are chasing a man who has gotten his hands on a machinegun and the world's only infinite capacity shotgun. For some reason, he decides the shotgun would do better against zombies, so he proceeds to pump approximately thirteen zillion shells into one of them. Temporarily injured, this aunt slumps against the wall. Zombies are apparently like the Borg; when you find a way to injure one, the rest modify their shields to thwart the threat. In this case, the second aunt comes lumbering around the corner wearing a suit of plate armor. Really. For some reason, the shotgun is useless against the armor, leaving the man no choice but to call upon national pride, stand tall, and attempt to surrender, with extremely fatal results.
One of the nephews, a cowardly priest we have been trained to hate from the beginning, somehow manages to get a hold of the machinegun. Unfortunately, the first aunt has recovered by now, and they have turned the gun back on the priest. So this priest is lying on the floor, thumb on the trigger of a gun pointed at his head, being taunted mercilessly by these zombie aunts. One tries to convince him he should kill himself, while the other argues that he is strong and should be able to take out both aunties with the gun. Back and forth the argument goes, until finally the priest, taking control of a situation for once, eyes blazing with French courage, pulls the trigger. The first aunt says, "Ha, I win!" At this point, Doug says, "Yes Mortimer, you win. Here is your dollar." Everyone groans, mercifully drowning out the next 20 seconds or so of dialogue.
It turns out that destroying the box by beating it with a crucifix removes the curse. The aunties, no worse for the experience, recover, leaving piles of dead people to explain to the nice police officers.
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