Route 666
by Rich Bruso
July 2004


Oh, you fortunate people. You may never quite realize how close to disaster you came. Had I gone with my original plan, this space would have been filled with a review of Bruce Lee Fights Back From The Grave, which, of course, has nothing to do with Bruce Lee, but does star Bruce Lea, and it's even worse than you might think, as it doesn't have any zombies. In the interests of the greater good of humanity, I have decided to skip that review. Please disregard this movie title, and pretend it never existed. Trust me, it will be better that way. Instead, I would like to offer up a slightly better movie, one that does have zombies, prison chain-gang construction worker zombies, in fact. The movie is entitled Route 666 and stars Lou Diamond Phillips and Lori Petty. You might remember Ms. Petty from such classics as Tank Girl and In The Army Now, which, speaking of zombies, starred Pauly Shore. Phillips, meanwhile, is best known (to me) as starring in Undertow, a movie that teaches us to move the shower into the house if we want to keep strangers from chasing after our only daughter.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "How could they possibly make a movie based on a road that started in Gallup, New Mexico, and meandered through New Mexico, Arizona, and Utah until it's termination in Cortez, Colorado? Especially since most of it is now known as US 491." Yes, these are common concerns, easily answered by the fact that, unlike me, the producers of this film decided to do absolutely no research, because facts are for wusses.

In the fantasyland of this movie, Route 666 is a condemned highway between Arizona and California that was the site of a mysterious chain-gang accident and several hundred motorist deaths. As if that weren't unbelievable enough, Petty and Phillips are cast as federal agents in the Witness Relocation Program tasked with bringing a witness to court in California. No, really, that was the original plot, which is why the zombies were thrown in. And if zombies can't fix a film, I don't know what can.

So, the witness, named Rabbit for reasons best left unasked, is being tracked by some mob hit men, all of whom die quite early in the movie, but not before forcing our heroes onto the aforementioned condemned highway. Along the side of Route 666, Phillips decides to stop and check out a graveyard, since his long-lost dad died somewhere around here. Strangely, all the other agents think this is fine.

Luck is with us, since his dad is buried in this very graveyard. The zombies attack, and Phillips is separated from the group. With the help of some peyote tea, he realizes that his dad is one of the four zombies, that he was on a chain gang, and that he must avenge their deaths or they will be doomed to walk "The Road" for all eternity, killing passing motorists with jackhammers and pickaxes to pass the time.

At this point you are probably wondering just how bad the Bruce Lea movie was. Consider this: Never once does Lou Diamond Phillips stop his pursuit of the truth to watch a high school parade, nor does he carry around the cremated remains of a distant friend. Though it would have been entertaining to see him do battle with a group of Village People look-alikes, as Mr. Lea did. Of course, the Bruce Lea movie did have much steadier camera work, and didn't ever include a scene of two federal agents making out in a federal van while a federal witness used a stolen federal gun to fend off angry federal zombies.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Route 666. Fortunately, we do find out that an Arizona Sheriff’s truck can blow up simply by being run into a rock at 10 mph. Oh, and road zombies can only appear over concrete or pavement. Of course.

To keep the movie down to 89 minutes, we find out that the local sheriff is responsible for murdering the chain gang, which leads to a very shaky and off center fight scene between four zombies, the sheriff and his deputy, as well as Phillips, Petty, and the remaining agents, one of whom is drunk.

One explosion, a gruesome death by jackhammer and shovel, and a phantom steamroller later, all is resolved. The dead are at peace, all superfluous characters have been killed off, and Phillips, Petty, and the witness (you thought I forgot about him) head off into the sunset, walking the rest of the way to California.

I wonder if, because of the success of this movie, other movies inaccurately based on the highway system might be made. You know, "I-10, New England Highway of Death." Or perhaps, "All Roads Lead to Nome."


 Back to Borderline Mensa Writer's Page

Back to Borderline Mensa