Shake Your Bigboote!
By Rich Bruso
September 2003
For some reason, Hollywood isn't making movies about a seriously underrepresented minority anymore, which is a shame. They, too, like to see positive role models on the big screen. True, their numbers are small, but that isn't an acceptable excuse for ignoring them. Of course, I'm speaking of the oft-ignored neurosurgeon/rock star/secret agent/land speed record holder/particle physicist/dimension traveler crowd.
Yes, I am speaking of The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension, a movie that features a wide range of actors, including Jeff Goldblum, Christopher Lloyd, John Lithgow, Yakov Smirnoff, Vincent Schiavelli, and, of course, Mr. Robocop himself, Peter Weller, in the title role. To call this movie weird is to call the Pacific Ocean damp.
I'll admit the premise stretches reality a little bit. I can believe Peter Weller as a neurosurgeon. Perhaps even as a part-time rock star, secret agent, and particle physicist. What I cannot believe is Jeff Goldblum in a bright red cowboy outfit, with woolen chaps. I mean, why? He, too, is a neurosurgeon, and he lives in New Jersey! This is pre-Bon Jovi, so he doesn't even have that excuse. It just doesn't make sense! WHY?!?!
Okay Rich, calm down. This is, after all, a movie that features a Ford pickup capable of traveling at over 400MPH, Yakov Smirnoff as the president's foreign policy advisor, and aliens that use odors to brainwash innocent humans. Oh, and John Lithgow as an insane scientist taken over by an alien force. But a cowboy?!
Putting that aside, the plot centers on the absolutely horrible fashions from the 1980's. All white suits, spandex, legwarmers (on men?), you name it. Bad hair also makes quite an appearance, making one wonder how many brain cells Aqua Net hairspray actually killed in that twisted decade. Apparently enough to make the wardrobe person think that neurosurgeons in New Jersey wear cowboy outfits! AAARGH!!
All kidding aside, the plot centers on a theme common throughout literature, from it's earliest roots with the tale of Gilgamesh, through Shakespeare, and up to the modern age: Bad clothing choices.
Actually, the plot REALLY centers on the existence of the 8th dimension, which is not an easy listening band from the 1970's. No mention is made of the 5th through 7th dimensions, assuming time is the 4th, but let's not start that debate again. It turns out the 8th dimension is all around you, existing in the spaces between subatomic particles. The only way to get there is to get up some speed then activate an oscillation overthruster, played convincingly by a random lump of metal.
Naturally, the 8th dimension has been used as a maximum-security prison by a bunch of aliens, all of whom are named John. Really. And just as naturally, there is a second faction of aliens, also named John, who are trying to free their compatriots. The second group is lead by Christopher Lloyd in the role of John Bigboote (It's pronounced "Big Boo TAY", not "Big Boo TEE"). He plots to steal Buckaroo's overthruster. These aliens run a Defense Contractor firm named Yoyodyne, which has the inspirational motto "The Future Begins Tomorrow."
Did I mention that the Yoyodyne founders were aliens left over from the Orson Welles War of the Worlds broadcast? Much panic surfaced because of this broadcast, perhaps leading to the conception and eventual birth of someone who felt a cowboy outfit was appropriate for a denizen of New Jersey. Apparently, the invasion actually happened, but the aliens managed to get to Mr. Welles and, using their scent brainwash, convinced him to pretend it was a Halloween hoax.
So, the first group of aliens (the good ones, for those of you keeping score) would rather blow up Earth than allow the bad guys out of jail. Graciously, they give Buckaroo and his rock group a day or two to stop Bigboote. In case they fail, the "good" aliens will shoot some sort of ray at Russia, but make it seem like it came from the US, thus causing a nuclear war. Why they don't use the ray to destroy Bigboote and his cohorts, I'll never know.
At this point the movie gets even weirder and harder to follow. Somehow, the aliens have harnessed the power of bubble wrap to view 3-D holographic movies, which is never explained. Also not explained is the existence of Jeff Goldblum's cowboy outfit, but I digress.
Well, the bad guys get the overthruster and the girl, who I forgot to mention earlier. Buckaroo then tries to save her and the lump-o-metal, several implausible fight scenes break out, Mr. Goldblum persists in his efforts to portray himself as a cowboy, and, in general, the plot meanders out of control. One of the president's advisors wanders into the movie, demanding that the aliens produce a fighter jet they were supposed to be building under contract. Buckaroo then takes control of an alien fighter aircraft and tries to shoot down the bad guys' mother ship, the girl is saved, the remaining aliens kill some humans with some sort of poisonous throwing spider, and more random scenery explodes, none of which contains Mr. Goldblum or his outfit.
Eventually, the good guys win. At least, Buckaroo's group wins, though personally I was rooting for Bigboote. We are then treated to a horrible music video where all of Buckaroo's crew, including the ones who died in the movie, are walking, dancing, and skipping along a section of concrete drainage canal, supposedly in the New Jersey area. And Goldblum is STILL in the cowboy outfit!! Okay, breathe deeply. Remember your anger management sessions. Relax.
The movie ends with a threat: There will be a sequel, entitled Buckaroo Banzai Versus The World Crime League. Fortunately, this threat has never come to fruition.
On a final note, if you're reading this, Mr. Goldblum, please, PLEASE, turn down any movie requiring a cowboy outfit in a non-cowboy role. Trust me on this.
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