SWM Seeks SF, 18-25, for Fun Times, Planetary Repopulation
By Rich Bruso
February, 2005


They have mastered both teleportation and interplanetary travel. Useless emotions such as love, and apparently acting ability, are no longer necessary to them. Fifty years ago, they decided that neckties were a useless male vanity. And yet they need to raid their neighboring planet for suitable breeding stock.

Yes, that's right, the Martians are coming, and they're here for our women! Mars Needs Women is their rallying cry, and their methods are painfully stupid. I mean, they chose an abandoned ice factory as a base of operations! And their uniforms were quite obviously spray-painted wetsuits.

To put this movie into proper perspective, let's compare and contrast it with a similarly-themed but far superior movie, perhaps one starring Geena Davis and Jeff Goldblum. No, not The Fly. I’m talking about Earth Girls Are Easy, which was co-written by Miss Julie Brown, of MTV fame, and stars Jim Carrey in a rare role where his posterior had no speaking lines.

Okay, let's go over some quick scores:

Mars Needs Women Earth Girls Are Easy
Known Mensans 0 1 (Geena Davis)
Known Wayans Brothers 0 1 (Damon)
"Woody" Station Wagons 0 1
Fake Press Conferences 1 0
Hairstylists 0 2
Suit Wearing Aliens 5 0
Shaven Aliens 0 3
Musical Numbers 0 Many
Aggressive Dance-Fights 0 1
Stripteases Where Dancer Finishes With More Clothes On Than A Nun 1 0
Minutes Where Star Is In A Skimpy Wet Bikini 0 25
Minutes Of Stock Footage Used 10 0
Minutes That Could Be Fast Forwarded Without Missing Plot Elements 118 15
Fake Government Agencies 1 0
Car Chases 0 1
Sushi Used As A Weapon No Yes
Weapons Used As Weapons No Yes
Successful Abductions 0 1


As you can see, Mars Needs Women is WAY behind in all the important categories. And, in the end, Mars didn’t manage to get a single woman. So, what went wrong?

Sure, their plans were noble. In an attempt to get good breeding stock, they are searching for intelligent, healthy, single women, and if they happen to be attractive, so much the better. As targets they choose a scientist, a homecoming queen, a flight attendant and a stripper. The first two probably meet all the requirements, but the last few show an obvious shift in priorities, as the movie definitely doesn’t portray them as very bright. Maybe they had to cut those scenes near the end.

Perhaps it was their methodology. Did they honestly think stealing money, suits, and an absolutely HUGE convertible was the best way to blend in while searching for targets? The aliens from Earth Girls Are Easy had a much better plan: Crash into Geena Davis’s pool, get a full body shave and wax at the local hair salon, and go out dancing. No fights, no stolen money, and no stolen cars. Okay, they did rob a gas station and steal a car, but that was an accident, and the car belonged to Michael McKean, so it’s excusable. It could happen to anyone, at least up until the part where they wedge the Woody wagon into an enormous fiberglass donut.

But if we ignore the bad wardrobe, poor candidate choices, blindingly stupid search methods, and complete lack of any choreography, perhaps we can get to the core of the problem: the script sucked. Yes, there was sub-par cinematography, lackluster acting, dreadful shot framing, and near felonious scene timing, but at the core of it all was the script. After all, an MTV Vee-Jay/Host managed to put together a more coherent and believable story, and she didn’t have old X5 stock footage to fall back on.

I’m sure there’s an important lesson to be learned here, but I’m too busy reviewing, frame by frame, the pivotal bikini scene...



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