Dense, Stale, and Unfit For Human Consumption
By Rich Bruso
December, 2004
The holidays are almost upon us, which can only mean one thing: fruitcake! Yes, that perennial favorite, a blend of wonderful tastes rolled into something that doesn’t quite taste as good as the individual ingredients. Why is that? How can something made with cherries, rum, cinnamon and butter possibly turn out bad? Perhaps it’s not the ingredients, but, instead, the cook.
I’ve heard rumors of absolutely scrumptious fruitcakes out there, ones that don’t have the consistency of cardboard. True culinary delights, these cakes melt on your tongue and leave you feeling warm, knowing that all is right in the world. Unfortunately, I’ve only ever encountered store-bought, mass-produced fruitcakes, churned out annually for those poor souls in need of a semi-thoughtful item to bring to a holiday potluck. The fruitcake equivalent, some might say, of the movie I inflicted upon my family this month.
The title, you ask? Well, though it was released under no less than nine alternate titles, I managed to grab one known as The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires: The Last Warning. The recipe? Substitute vampires for the walnuts, mix in a pinch of martial arts instead of nutmeg, and add a generous portion of a finely aged Peter Cushing in place of the rum, but keep the currants. Mix vigorously, and then stride briskly from the room, pretending nothing has happened. At least, that’s what Hammer Films wish they could have done, as this movie was one of the last items in an unfortunate string of events leading to their bankruptcy.
Some of you may know Peter Cushing from his other fine roles in movies like Top Secret! in which he played the backwards talking Swedish bookstore owner, or even his fine portrayal of Grand Moff Tarkin in 1977’s La Guerra de las Estrellas. This movie marked his final portrayal of Professor Van Helsing, the famous vampire hunter.
Of course, the original Dracula plot had the infamous Count travel to England, and some more recent movies have seen him amassing frequent flier miles traveling to various parts of the United States, but this month’s movie is the only one I know of that details his vacation time in China. You see, early on in the movie a Chinese mystic wanders into Dracula’s Transylvania castle, begging the fanged one’s help in resurrecting the Seven Golden Vampires of an obscure little village north of Hong Kong. Instead, Dracula takes possession of the mystic’s body, allowing him to more easily blend into the Chinese culture, a move that coincidentally saves the producers a bundle of money, as that is one less English actor they had to ship to China.
Fortunately, at a nearby Chinese college, Professor Van Helsing is giving a lecture on vampire lore. You know, the usual stuff: where they live, how to destroy them, gift hints for the Nosferatu who has it all, and instructions on perhaps leaving the windows locked at night. Naturally, all this lecturing leads directly into a formal dinner party. After all, where else are you going to meet future plot elements?
Later, a mysterious stranger in a polka-dotted silk shirt breaks into Van Helsing's apartment, leading us to fear that we forgot to start the dishwasher. This was an issue only because pretty much all of my son’s cups were dirty, and there’s nothing worse than waking up and not having a clean cup for him. After resolving that issue (I had started it), I proceeded to get back to the business at hand: balancing the checkbook, to see if that weird lingering 34 cent discrepancy was still hanging around. Sure enough, the bank and I still disagree on exactly how much is in my checking account, which in no way helps me finish this paragraph.
A short while later I finally return to the VCR, which has absolutely failed to eat the tape, so I press play. The man in the silk shirt turns out to be one of seven brothers who, along with their little sister, appeal to the good professor for help in defeating the Seven Golden Vampires. It seems they have vowed to defend their home and rid their village of the vampire menace, which is why all eight of them decided to travel to Hong Kong together, leaving their precious town undefended.
This brings up a good point. It seems the Seven Golden Vampires only bother this one isolated village. And, since they attack each night at sunset, it seems that, by now, the villagers would close the town gates at dusk, or at least install some sturdy window screens, but in true vampire movie tradition the gates are thrown wide, the doors are unlocked, and there isn’t a bit of garlic to be seen anywhere. The more thoughtful ones might have even moved on to a new, non vampire-laden, section of the country.
A quick note on this group of siblings. In addition to an archer, there are sword fighting twins, the cute sister with the long knives, someone with a device curiously similar to a stick with a nail through it, the mandatory rice flails, and one brother whose specialty is a pair of comically oversized double-headed battle axes, apparently made of aluminum if the way he handles them is any indication. Oh, and the other guy just uses his hands, as the weapon budget suddenly ran dry.
And now, back to the plot. Van Helsing would like to help, but nobody seems to have the cash required for the very expensive trip back to the village. Fortunately, help arrives in the classic Hammer Films form: heaving bosoms. In this case, they are attached to a young, and above all rich, Scandinavian widow, conveniently also on a world tour. She readily agrees to finance the expedition, as long as she gets to go, too. This sets up something akin to a love triangle, though this particular polygon has more than three sides, some of which are imaginary, and most of which aren’t quite where you can easily see them, somewhat like seeing a four dimensional cube rotating on a two dimensional screen, only with more kissing.
Strange as it may seem, the movie only gets worse from this point. In addition to the vampires, our intrepid group must do battle with an overlord who was snubbed by the widow at the dinner party, as well as a horde of zombies animated by the vampires. And, as anyone familiar with vampire lore could tell you, the only way to kill the vampires is to steal their bat-shaped golden amulets, which plug the smoking holes in their chests, and place them on the lap of a statue of Buddha.
I won’t go into the absolutely stupid details of the undead invasion of the town, other than to give any would-be defenders this tip: If you decide to use a moat of flaming oil, make sure your best warriors are on the correct side of the pit when it’s lit.
Amazingly, the bumbling villagers manage to kill off most of the vampires. The sole survivor runs back to the mystic pagoda (of course the vampires have a mystic pagoda) where Dracula reveals himself to Van Helsing. As often happens in this type of movie, the director asks everyone to wrap it up in a timely, and, above all, inexpensive way, leading us quickly into the closing credits, hastily translated into a vaguely English-like language.
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