…What's Black and White and Stinks Up My DVD Player?
By Rich Bruso
April 2006


Oversized monsters! Hot rods! Drunk driving! How could I possibly say no?

Okay, maybe the enormous mutant thing is a bit overdone, but it was 1959. Everyone was doing it. If you don't believe me, try searching for "1959 Cadillac Deville" at images.google.com. But this movie had a twist: absolutely no nuclear references. Not a one, which truly was a miracle in 1959. No toxic waste, no A-bomb testing, not even references to NASA's secret nuclear fuel. There was singing, though, which is always a bad sign. And an odd little instrument looking like a cross between a ukulele and a banjo. Amy suggested it would be a banjolele, but I prefer to call it a ukulanjolo, which (I checked) was not the name of a renaissance painter.

In this case the giant is a Gila monster, which, as far as scary monsters go, is roughly equivalent to an enormous killer loofah. Sure, you could get a Gila monster to bite, but it's just not worth the time or effort. Super-sized leeches would be more terrifying, but that's another movie. And the producers of this movie searched long and hard before coming up with the imaginative title, The Giant Gila Monster.

So what, you ask, is causing gigantism amongst the Gila monsters? Minerals! Yes, those diabolical, all natural, non-manmade, completely un-synthetic health hazards that have plagued mankind for millennia. Just thinking about minerals makes me crave Twinkies. And the worst part? The hidden hazard of minerals is all around us!! You too could be eating food containing minerals right now!! And nothing is being done about it!! Recent studies have shown that potentially lethal levels of minerals can be found in almost every backyard in the country!! So, I urge you to join me in my crusade to have all minerals (and their nefarious cousins vitamins) removed immediately from my Fruity Pebbles!!!

Anyway, back to the movie. Did I mention the singing? It's awful, bad enough to make me fast forward those sections. I mean, who really sings to themselves while doing body work on a Cadillac? And why is teenage "snuggling" so much more evil than drinking whiskey while driving a Model A?

Fortunately, none of the teenagers touch any alcohol. They just drive around slowly in their hot rods and drink soda pop. The only couple to go off on their own (to sit in a car talking, totally clothed, not even kissing or anything) is immediately eaten by the titular monster.

Well, in any giant monster movie, you need a hero, right? And who better than the all-American boy? He's a hard worker, a responsible role model, and has been taking care of his family since his dad died. He saves his hard-earned money to pay for operations for his crippled sister, he steals parts off of cars he tows back to his shop, and he's nice to everyone. Wait a second, he steals? Yep, left and right. A few tires here, a headlight there. And the sheriff doesn't mind one bit. A giant Gila monster knocking cars off the road is like pennies from heaven for this guy. You can picture him sneaking off to the monster's cave to suggest particular makes and models for the next "accident." And then the monster knocks off his boss, leaving him as the only mechanic in town. Kinda makes you want to see if our "hero" bought a bunch of minerals to dump in the water, doesn't it?

Fortunately, a barn dance breaks out. This provides us with the opportunity to have a Gila monster rampage through a miniature set, knocking over scale model cars left and right before sticking his head into the barn, mercifully cutting short another singing number, for which it should receive some sort of medal. Everyone panics, chaos ensues, and our hero rushes off to get some nitroglycerine to finish off the monster.

A minor aside here: nitroglycerine is famously unstable. A little shake is all it takes to set the stuff off. So, what better way to transport it than in jars in the front seat of a '32 hot rod, driving cross country no less?

Anyway, our hero tracks the Gila monster to a local house, where his leg-brace wearing sister happens to be spending the night. I now know where inspiration for the famous "Run Forrest, run!" sequence in Forrest Gump originated. Fortunately, everyone can outrun a Gila monster, leaving the field open for a suicidal nitroglycerine-laden hot rod run at the beast. Bang!! Boom!! End of movie.

So what, you may ask, is the moral of this story? Snuggling is evil? Drunk driving is good, as long as it's comical? No, the lesson that should be learned from this movie is that Nature is Evil. So, stay inside your house, drink only synthetic beverages, and stock up on Nutty Bars.


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