WWJD? Get out the stakes!
By Rich Bruso
March, 2004

Well, even I'm not immune to all the hype surrounding Mel Gibson's most recent wad-o-movie, The Passion of the Christ. After countless news stories concerning it's possible anti-Semitism, his father's wacko perspectives on life, and the questions of whether the movie is too gory, I decided to cave in and review it.

Unfortunately, due to oppressive schedules imposed by my power-hungry Editor, I wasn't able to find a show that wasn't sold out this weekend. Falling back to Plan B, I decided that, perhaps, an older movie could be located that dealt with this sensitive topic. Though this month's selection doesn't actually concern the last days of Jesus before his resurrection, it DOES concern his return for the final judgment. That's right, this month I reviewed Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter.

He's back, and he's fighting mad! Vampires are running amok in modern-day Canada, sucking the living maple syrup out of local girls. Okay, so the stage blood isn't very realistic. At least the martial arts sequences are good, right? No. Umm, maybe the dance choreography or the musical numbers will pick up the slack. Again, no, and the skin-tight vampire outfits don't help either, but there are inspirational messages about brotherly love and forgiveness, as well as a nice skateboarding scene. Ooh, and a funny shopping spree with Jesus himself, ably assisted by Mary Magnum, who has the supernatural power of being able to wear shiny, metallic red full body suits in public without feeling any shame.

Let's back up a bit. It seems that the second coming is nearly upon us, but the forces of good haven't had a chance to organize their defense. The forces of Evil, personified by a group of mostly-female vampires, have decided to force the issue and begin collecting souls. They target the bustling alternative lifestyle scene in Canada, with the reasoning that the church won't miss them, though I think the real reason was so the filmmakers could meet women.

Oh, and did I mention that grafting normal human skin onto vampires solves that entire "daylight" issue? Yeah, that'll work. Of course, if the vampires can survive daylight there's no need for expensive night filming, right?

Now, before this movie I could have imagined a priest on a moped, perhaps even wearing biker leathers. However, I never could have imagined he'd also have a bright red Mohawk that sticks out through a convenient slot in his helmet. Unfortunately, he dies almost immediately during a martial arts beach brawl between Jesus and three vampires. It's rather reminiscent of Robo Vampire, which can't ever be a good thing.

One truly inspired scene involved about 40 atheists jumping out of one Jeep to attack Jesus in traditional martial arts style: Single file. Now, don't expect me to explain why a bunch of atheists would decide to ambush Jesus. Perhaps they felt he threatened their way of life. A particularly nice touch was Jesus blessing the pile of battered atheists after he manages to beat them all unconscious.

Anyway, there we were, watching this hilariously (and purposefully) bad movie, and I thought, "Hmm, you know what this movie needs? A Mexican wrestling champion played by a portly white guy." As if reading my mind, Santo Enmascarado de Plata, also known as El Santos, appears (in the movie, of course). How best to describe El Santos? Well, aside from the silvery full-face mask designed to disguise the fact that this guy has probably never been to Mexico, there's the complete lack of any accent, along with his unique ability to completely not blend into any scene. I can only imagine he was related to one of the filmmakers.

Accompanying El Santos is Miss Oddbottom. She is a strange character who doesn't actually say anything. I can only imagine what casting for the part of Oddbottom was like: "Yes, the character's name is Oddbottom. Really. Oh, and you'll be required to wear prosthetic buttocks that make it look like you're smuggling a sofa in your dress. Oh, and you won't have any lines. But you will have random guys grabbing the aforementioned add-on. Oh, and you'll have to roll around in a junkyard while tied to El Santos. Great, you're hired!"

Rounding out this collection of strange characters is Blind Jimmy Leper, a beat poet at The Dominion, a popular hangout of happening vampires who also like jazz and beat poetry. The Dominion is also the site of one of the largest vampire slayings in the movie, where dozens of friends and relatives of the producers find their untimely deaths at the end of chair legs, drumsticks, darts, toothpicks, and, in one particularly gruesome case, Blind Jimmy Leper's cane. Basically, anything that resembled a stake was used, along with some hastily blessed Holy Beer, which did quite a number to one vampire's face. Unfortunately, El Santos is taken hostage, killing our hopes that this is the grand finale.

So, on to the junkyard scene. Dozens of people are constantly running around, though the exact same three cars are always in the background. Perhaps the camera got stuck in a puddle or something, and they had to act around it. In any case, the vampires are defeated, but not before a few random car parts are lobbed about, including a set of windshield wipers fashioned into a cross. Oh, and there's another motorcycle stunt, jumping right over a cameraman. The vampires are finally defeated when, in an homage to E.T., Jesus lets his "Heart Light" shine, turning several vampires into dust.

What follows is an awful rendition of the Sermon on the Mount, followed by Jackie Chan-style humorous outtakes while the credits roll. As usual with low budget movies, every passer-by that donated more than $1.50(about $45.32 Canadian) got their name in the credits.


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