A Love Letter
by Little Dougie Miller (age 5 ¼)
March, 2005
Dear Sarah,
How are you? I am fine. I think you are grate. Most gurls are stoopid but you are not like them. Our cat had kittens yesterday in the clothes in Ted's drawer and Mike threw up from the smell except I didn't smell anything and Bill said it was because I smell so I punched him but he slugged me back and it hurt and then my dad said to “knock of the rig-a-ma-roll” and we giggled about that after he left.
We are not allowed to touch the kittens but Ted did anyway.
I liked it when we played with the dolls at your house. The gurl across the street always wants my GI Joe to pretend he's coming home after work and say things to her Barby like “how-was-your-day-honey” and be all kissy-face and stoopid. It was more fun at your house when it started to rain and we took our dolls to the corner and took off our shoe layses and you tied them together and then around Joe and went “so-are-you-going-to-talk” and I went “I'll-never-talk-you-stinking-Nazi” and you went “we'll-see-who-stinks” and then we lowered Joe down the sewer to torchur him and then after that we tied him to our bikes and dragged him up and down the gutter in all the leaves.
I bet if Barby asked him “how-was-your-day” he would say “not-so-hot” and then hold his hand over a burning candle while she told him about all the hats she bought at the store.
I got in trubbel for loosing my shoe layses when I got home. I had to sit in my room for a haf hour and Ted and Bill kept walking in and saying “tut-tut-such-a-nice-day-I-think-I-will-go-for-a-walk-have-fun-sitting-there-old-chap” then going outside and yelling at me threw the window.
I am going to dip there tooth brushes in the toilet.
Next time you come over we should climb the trees in the back yard and pretend we're climbing threw the robot from Lost In Space after he was made giant sized and we just fixed him and have to race to get out before he shrinks again and crushes us. You can be Penny and say “there-isn't-enough-time-we'll-be-crushed” and I'll be Dr Smith and go “oh-the-pain-the-pain.” But we can't tell Ted what we're gonna do because he'll make me be the monkey and I think it is stoopid because it goes “blip-blip” instead of making monkey noises.
That monkey has stoopid ears too.
Me and Mike were catching ants and throwing them in a spider web to watch the spider run out and suck they're blood. Then a bee flew in the web and it wasn't like any other bee I had ever saw. It was big and grey and really, really mad.
It was so neat that I had to go to the bathroom!
But I held it in because the spider came out and instead of running right at the bee it knew that it would have to hunt this one even though it was stuck in the web. Then Ted came up and said he thought it was a Guard Bee. He said Guard Bees fly outside the hive and that if some other bee that doesn't belong there tries to fly in and get the honey then the Guard Bees will tear them apart. I don't know if that is true or not. I thought it was a Sweat Bee. They live in holes in the ground and if you step on they're hole they will fly out and sting you and they're stings will make you sweat until you dry up and your eyes turn to salt and you die.
My mom says there is no such thing as a Sweat Bee but she doesn't think there is such a thing as a Queen Shark either.
She will be the first to go when the Queen Sharks and the Sweat Bees join forces.
John started throwing rocks at the web and was recking it so Ted said "Helicopters John! Helicopters!" John is weerd and whenever a helicopter flys by he starts dancing and waving his hands and crying and then he runs and hides under his bed. I think he thinks they are coming to get him but I don't know why because they never stop. So now when he is being a pest we just tell him the helicopters are coming and he freeks out and runs away.
He is going to be mixed up in the head when he grows up.
Our cat walked by and started pawing at the spider web like it was a string or something. It caught the Guard Bee in her paws and they fought and the cat bit the bee's head right off. Ted said that now that the cat had drank bee blood that at night she would have stingers in her claws and go insane. I think he is just trying to scare us but I hope the cat stays out of my bed for now.
Today at school everyone had to go into the gym by grades. We went with the first graders and didn't even have to take our pencil boxes. They had these blankets on the floor with hay all over them and I didn't know what it was for. Then a farmer came out and he had a sheep and some ducks and he talked about them but we didn't get to pet them or anything. Then he brought out a grate big fat pig and it stank and we pulled our shirts over our noses for gas masks and our teacher got mad at us and told us to behave like ladies and gentle men but that pig smelled bad. I was bored but then he brought out a horse and was talking about what a horse did at the farm and then the horse lifted up his tail and started taking a number-2 and we were all cracking up and the farmer seemed confused but then he looked and said “oh-that-is-natural-there-is-no-reason-to-laff” but that horse pooped a lot and it still didn't smell as bad as that pig. Then he started talking some more and the horse began to take a number-1.
Horses pee a lot! It was thick and steem was coming off it. I don't think that horse liked it there very much at all and if he could have he would have bit the farmer on the shoulder and just hung on and the farmer would have just said “oh-that-is-natural-nothing-to-worry-about” as he pounded on the horse to make it stop.
My dad said it wasn't funny when I told everyone how much a horse could pee at dinner but he looked like he wanted to laff.
Mike got John in big-trubbel today. Mike was in the bathroom and taking a dump and reading the paper but he was really done and then John ran in and told him to hurry 'cause he really had to go and Mike said “number-1-or-number-2” and John said number-2 and Mike told him he could wait and went back to reading the paper and then John said “I-really-mean-it-and-no-fooling” and Mike said to go in the bath tub and John said he couldn't go in the bath tub and Mike said “then-just-go-on-the-floor-stoopid” and pretended to read the paper again. Then Mike said he smelled something nasty and looked up from his paper and saw John squatting down and straining with his eyes all bulging out of his head because he was really taking a dump right there on the bathroom floor.
My dad had just gotten home from “a-hard-day-at-the-shop” and Mike ran down and yelled “dad-John-is-pooping-all-over-the-bathroom-floor!” and my dad went up and we all followed and John was still trying to finish and my dad yelled “what-on-earth-do-you-think-you-are-doing!?!” and John said “I-don't-know” like he did not know he was taking a dump on the bathroom floor and my dad looked at him and then at the now-empty toilet and said “why-are-you-pooping-on-the-floor-and-not-in-the-toilet?!?” and John knew that he would get beat up by Mike if he told on him even though it was all Mike's fault so he just said “I-don't-know” again which was even dumber than the first time and we all started laffing and my dad made us go outside and John had to clean it up and sit in his room for a haf hour.
I think my dad must think that John has something seriously wrong with his head.
I bet when my dad goes to work and all of the other dads are talking about how much trubbel their kids get in my dad just rolls his eyes and says 'am-a-chewers.'
Later Ted was trying to watch TV and I wanted to get him back so me and Mike played truth or dare with John because John doesn't know how to play and always takes the dare. First we had John go downstares and walk over to the TV and turn it off even though Ted was watching it and when Ted yelled at him we told him that all he could say was “I-did-not-know-you-were-watching-it” and that is just what he said. About ten minutes late we made John go downstares and pretend to trip and fall on top of Ted and all he could say was “Oops-I-am-so-clumsy.” John is terribull at acting and he walked down and looked like he had a spasm and fell on top of Ted already saying “Oops-I-am-so-clumsy” and Ted was yelling “what-on-earth-is-wrong-with-you” and then my dad came out and he noticed me and Mike trying not to laff at the top of the stares and we had to sit in our room for a haf hour.
So I came down after that and Ted was still watching Moby Dick which is about a whale and a guy with a wooden leg and so I got in my normal spot right in front of the TV with my legs underneeth it. After a while I thought I had felt something brush my leg but I didn't see anything so I just kept watching the TV. But then I really felt something and it was a mouse that had run up my pants leg and was wiggling around and I jumped up yelling and waving my hands around like I was having a seezhure and the mouse fell out of my pants leg right on top of Ted who was lying next to me and he yelled and brushed it off and the mouse tried to run and I was still jumping around and I accidentally kicked the mouse and it flew up right on top of Ted again and then he started making this noise I had never heard before like a moan and a skweel all at once and he knocked it off of him and I was still freeking out and I accidentally kicked it on him again and he started screeming “stop-kicking-it-back-on-me” and tried to get up and I don't know what the mouse thought but it seemed to want to get the heck out of there and jumped off the other side and ran away and we never did find it.
That whole time all our dog did was sit there and lick his test tickles.
Our dog Tony is lazy and when my grandma and my granddad was over he put on kwite a show. We were eating at the dinner table and had just said out prayers when Tony scooted across the floor using just his front legs and had his hind legs tucked between them and Mike yelled “Look-Tony-Is-Skiing” but my mom and my dad and my grandma and granddad did not think it was funny and pretended not to notice but I thought it was hillareeus especially the satisfied doggy grin he was wearing when he did it.
Later Bill tried to ski that way but he said it was itchy.
I have to go hide now. My dad is yelling for one of us to take Tony for a walk. Tony ate the garbage from the curb and ate right threw the plastic and now he has plastic coming out of his bottom. My dad yelled at us for laffing at him and made Bill pull it out. I don't want to have to do that so I'm going to crawl under the clothes in the closet.
Sincerley,
Doug M.
P.S. I think you are prettier than my mom. Don't tell anyone.
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