Speed Hating
by Doug Miller
February, 2006
SIERRA VISTA, AZ –
Area computer programmer Doug Miller, Virgo, participated in the radical new dating service known as “Speed Hating” today with mixed results. Speed Hating was developed by Rabbi Paul Levine of New York after listening to Miller whine about his relationships for forty-five minutes straight.
“I realized that people like Miller haven’t got a chance of ever finding true happiness.” Levine said, “But I also realized that, as Americans, they believe that there is an instant solution to any problem and it can be theirs if they just keep throwing money at it. Since any relationship they begin is doomed to bring them nothing but spirit crushing despair and emptiness, I figured why bother with the messy ‘hopefully optimistic’ period at the start of the relationship when it would be so much more efficient to go straight to the spectacularly devastating break-up.”
“Who knew there would be such a demand?” Levine added.
Speed Hating participants gather in a large room and meet at individual tables. They have eight, carefully structured minutes to introduce themselves, fall madly in love, and then destroy each other’s lives as thoroughly as possible.
“Rebecca was my first match.” Miller said. “I knew within the first minute that she was the one and I could tell she felt the same. During the second minute she blamed me for every bad decision she ever made in her life. Then she asked to borrow my car. I gave her the keys and during the fourth through sixth minutes she went out and got five parking tickets, committed one hit and run with a school bus that was caught on a traffic light camera clearly enough to identify the car as mine but leaving no clue as to the driver, and then parked it in a tow away zone where it was promptly impounded. I normally have to wait months for a new girlfriend to introduce this level of chaos in my life. Speed Hating has saved me hours of ridiculous hope!”
Dr Conner Spellman, supervisory psychologist for the Internet dating service HarmoniousRelationships.com, believes that Speed Hating can play a positive role in the life of today’s single professionals. “There is a gaping chasm of pain and emptiness between people like Miller who naively believe in true love and everyone else in the world. They waste so much time and energy believing they’ll ever bridge that abyss. Speed Hating frees them from the distraction of fleeting moments of happiness and lets them get on with their pitiful little lives.”
“God I hate myself.” Spellman added while staring blankly out a window.
Miller’s third match of the afternoon took him on a manic depressive rollercoaster by declaring her undying love for him during their first few minutes together and then making out with Phil Palosaari, one of Miller’s best friends, for the remainder of the eight minutes.
“Doug’s a nice guy and everything,” she said while briefly disengaging her tongue from Palosaari’s, “but really, once I got him to pay to have my electricity reconnected and get me caught up on the three months of back rent I owed, what good is he?”
Proving that every participant in Speed Hating gets to be both victor and victim, Miller managed to reduce his seventh match of the afternoon to tears. Ironically, this was the only woman he was matched with where there was even a remote chance of compatibility. “I really, really liked her,” Miller explained, “maybe even loved her. But by the third minute she just started seeming really clingy, you know? So I borrowed her cell phone during peak hours and then ignored her while I called the girl at the last table who had just managed to cause $2,500 worth of damage to my apartment and get me evicted and begged her to reconsider dumping me.”
“How was I supposed to know it was her freaking daughter?” Miller added.
Speed Hating sessions are held each Saturday afternoon at the Oscar Yrun Community Center. Due to high demand those interested in participating should call for an appointment.
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